Today is April 23, 2014

The Roommate Route

Some of us wake up and find that the man we fell for has become a glorified roommate. Let’s talk about that.

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My Husband’s Halo

My Husbands HaloMy husband and I met on a hot Friday night in July in New York City (he would want me to make sure I tell you I was late — ten minutes late). We met at a restaurant called Jacque’s, on the upper east side of Manhattan. We laughed, we talked, the waiter wasn’t sure what to make of us. I laughed a lot. We even ordered the chocolate lava cake — the one that takes 45 minutes to make — after our meal because we were enjoying each other’s company so much. We had a great time. The conversation varied from politics, to running, to food, to dating and why we agreed to go on this blind date.

I figured I’d never see him again. I called a friend of mine as I walked back to my apartment after the date and said, “So funny. I just went on a date with me, but a guy. That was awesome.” But I had to get up and run nine miles the next day, so I was focused on that. Guys in Manhattan don’t usually call after dinner. That fact was just something we all sort of got used to.

Obviously, the story ended a little bit differently than I thought it would.

We were engaged 28 days later. If you’re still reading, that means you didn’t fall off your chair. I think this is a good sign, thanks for hanging in there. Yep, we had a whirlwind of a romance. It was absolutely wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. We fell in love while visiting friends in Nantucket, and we just knew that was it. We got married nine and a half weeks after we met. Still reading? Good. Thanks. We started out so passionately and so crazy for each other. It was such a great time.

Four years later, I’ve noticed that my husband and I have become business partners. And for good reason. He has some of the best business ideas of any person I have ever met. And, I am quite honestly one of the fastest executors I’ve ever known. We make a great team. But this isn’t exactly what I mean, I’m glad we work that way together, but I want my husband too.

When I’ve used the term “business partners” to describe my marriage to my girlfriends who are married, they all nod in understanding and say, “Yes, that’s the way it is. There’s just too much to do. That’s just what happens.” And there is a lot to do to run a household, have day-jobs, take care of the kids, feed ourselves, heaven forbid work out once in a while and well, life just gets in the way.  We forget that a relationship is something that needs to be nurtured. It’s easy to do. Apparently more of us do it than not.

I was listening to “Halo” this morning by Beyonce. Yes, I do try to hang on to my youth. But cut me some slack, it’s a pretty song. You know those times in the car when you play a song so loudly that it almost hurts? And you kind of hope no one is looking as you sing at the very top of your lungs? Yeah, I was listening to this song like that.

I started to cry. Not sobbing or anything, but enough that I had to wipe the tears away and sniff a little. I can still hear the words: “You know you’re my saving grace…You’re everything I need and more…Baby I can feel your halo.” Such sweet words. And that’s really how I feel about my husband. I know I don’t always tell him. All of the “things” that we have to get done get in the way: “Did you pick up this?” and “I paid that bill.” and “I just have to do this one thing and then I’ll be right there.” How did that fabulous night at Jacque’s turn into an exchange of daily chores?

I can blame the tears I felt sliding down my face on the pregnancy, but I don’t really think that was it. I was both sad and happy at the same time.

Sad because I know how much of the slack he picks up while I’m “executing” on all the things we want and need to get done. He doesn’t always get the love and support from me that I know he deserves, and that I want to give him. I must be hard to be married to. I don’t do much half way. As Amy always tells me, “Sarah, you go from zero to 300% in about 30 seconds.”  She’s right. I know this is one of the reasons he loves me, but I think a lot of the time, it leaves him to fend for himself.

While I get a lot done, and I’m grateful that I do, I’m not always the best at stopping to see how my actions are affecting other people. My husband is the most important person in my life, and if I were to stop a little bit more often and make sure he’s getting what he needs, I think I would be a much better wife.  He seems to give me what I need so effortlessly.  I could stand to learn a thing or two from him.

And I was happy because for whatever reason, this song reminded me of how much, and how powerfully I love him. He is one of the funnier people I’ve met in my life. He will say things out of the blue that have me laughing until I cry. He’s an incredible cook. He runs a company. He supports me as I branch out and see what I love, and he is one of the best dads I’ve ever seen. I realized all of this, oddly enough, while singing a song by Beyonce as loudly as I could on my way to work. Realizations can strike us in the oddest of places.

I’m so grateful that he is the man I married. I think when we recognize our own shortcomings at least it gives us room to alter our behavior. I’m incredibly lucky that he’s patient enough to continually give me the space to grow.
He just keeps going, with love, energy and with a smile. My husband, wow.  I’m one lucky woman.

Author: Sarah

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