The Big Picture

the big picture

I never really expected to be a mom, much less a single mom. I was always the “Kids are cute, but I don’t want my own” kind of girl. Then I met a guy, fell in love and got married, and decided that I did indeed want a baby. It was the best decision of my life.

Getting divorced and becoming a single mom certainly pulled the rug out from under me. I wasn’t expecting to raise a child on my own. My son is amazing, but I didn’t sign up for solo parenthood. Yet I’m doing it and liking it too. It’s hard as hell (but being a married mom is too, right?) but after two and a half years, I’m finding my groove. Would this be the life I’d have chosen for myself? Absolutely not. Am I happy to be living it with my boy by my side? You bet I am.

Sometimes it can be so easy. A few weeks ago E had no school so we were having a lazy morning. Hung out in pajamas. Ate a leisurely breakfast. I read the paper while he traced pictures from his favorite “Captain Underpants” book. Had a wrestling/tickling match on my bed. I was brushing my teeth and helping him sound out words so he could illustrate his comic. Then, all of a sudden, I had an epiphany. (Okay, it wasn’t exactly an epiphany since I learned in 12th grade AP English that it is not really an epiphany if you know you’re having it — thank you, Ms. Cundari.) “Holy crap,” I thought, “How did I get to be a mother?”

Um, hello, sex with the ex, big belly and cheese cravings, and pushing a teeny, tiny baby out way too quickly six years ago? Remember that? Of course I do. But this morning as I was going about my daily routine I kind of shocked myself. It was so fluid — making E breakfast, getting the two of us ready, doing what I needed to do while helping him out. I was doing it — being a mommy. And doing it well. And doing it all by myself. Go me.

And then, sometimes it’s scary to be responsible for another person. When E cracked his head open two Decembers ago, I was one cool camper. Except when he got hysterical at the thought of going to the hospital and then I almost lost it. I was trembling as I got into bed that night, so relieved that he was okay. And yet still so scared that I could not sleep. I am solely responsible for him. It’s terrifying and astonishing.

There are times when E and I drive each other crazy and I lose my temper for the most insignificant reasons. And there are times when I see him lying on the floor, coloring superheroes to his heart’s content, and it makes me so happy. He is so remarkable, my boy is. When I check in on him one last time before I go to sleep, I am overwhelmed by the sight of him. Sometimes I think that I will only choose a future partner if he can see the beauty in watching my child sleep at night.

I’m feeling generous today so I will put this out there to the universe. My ex-husband screwed me over beyond belief, he broke my heart like nobody’s business, and he left me almost completely shattered. But he gave me E. If I had not been with him, this wondrous child would not be in my life. So, sir, you are a complete and total (insert unprintable word here); nevertheless, I am utterly grateful to you. Thank you for my boy.

Author: Stacey Linden

You may also like:

Queen of The Castle
The End of The Affair
Boy In The Hood