the-kids / uncategorized My Daughter’s Ears Are Pierced (cont) | Better Way Moms
Today is May 18, 2012

Conscious Parenting

Mom used to say “uh huh, yes dear” and we knew she wasn’t listening. Time to wake up the mom in all of us.

My Daughter’s Ears Are Pierced (cont)

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…of much. I think we’re doing them a disservice. When I was a kid (oh, no, please don’t tell us how you walked to school both ways, up hill two miles, in the rain, with no shoes on, carrying your brother on your back) I walked to school both ways…just kidding. My point is, it didn’t even dawn on me to see a commercial and run to my mom on a random Thursday and ask, “Mom, I want the new Atari!” (Atari was a big deal in my day, stop laughing if you’re under 30.), much less, have the answer be, “Sure honey, we’ll get that this weekend.”

I got stuff on my birthday and Christmas and of course from the renegade aunt or uncle who always delivered something fabulous when they came to visit. I get it, we want them to have more than we did. But I wonder if something is getting lost in our need to make their lives better?

We decided the way Peyton was going to earn her ear bling was to have a list of things she needed to do on a daily basis. Once she’d completed a task on the list 50 times, even if not consecutively, she could get her ears pierced. The list was comprised of things like: put your clothes in your hamper, put your shoes in your closet, flush the toilet. I figured it was a win-win. This would not only get her to her goal, but these things that she should already be doing, might now become second nature. Everyone’s happy, right?

Well, we tried this for about a year. A year I tell you and she had managed only about 20 times. Did our list have unrealistic expectations? Were we failing her or was she failing herself? Is it too much to ask a six-year-old to flush the toilet after she pees? No, I didn’t think so. In all fairness, she started doing a couple of the things on the list pretty consistently, just not all the things that were part of the deal.

This is where parenting becomes not so much fun for me. The balance of sticking to my proverbial guns while still letting this child feel like she will win. I wanted her to win this one, but I was in too deep with the “you need to earn this” ultimatum to turn back. So we took a hiatus. I wanted to give us all a mental rest and go back to the drawing board. She sadly watched friend after friend get her ears pierced. My guilt mounted, but we didn’t get her ears pierced. 

I decided it was time to re-evaluate our plan which is one of the things I was certain before I had kids that after I had kids, I wouldn’t need to do. Before I had kids, I was a great parent. My husband suggested we pick one thing off the list, just one for her to do every night. He picked the one that was the most irritating to him, putting her shoes in her closet. She started out slow and eventually picked up steam, but certainly wasn’t doing it every night. Two years have now passed, the child was seven. Some nights she did it, some nights I had to ride her back, others she totally blew it off and more than a few she would fly out of bed realizing that she left her sneakers at the back door. Why couldn’t this child do this one thing? There wasn’t a week that went by that she didn’t ask me about her progress so it’s not like it wasn’t on her mind. 

During the year between turning seven and eight (that’s right, it’s now been three years), at some point, she stopped asking me about her ears. She would just quietly report to me from time to time when another of her friends got her ears pierced. She was simply sad, which made me sad, probably more so than she was. What to do?!?!?

Around this time, I started noticing other things…she was pretty much always putting her clothes in the hamper, brushed her teeth on her own and even flushed the toilet every time as well as few of the other things on the original list, all without my asking her. Really, now? Should this count, since we had changed the requirement? In my idealistic mind I would say no, but after three years, it starts to count a little. 

At some point she wasn’t learning anything and it was a bust. Do I feel like I failed at my first attempt at teaching her this life lesson? I absolutely do, but I don’t think that if we kept at it for another three years anything was going to change and I think she was just feeling hopeless. I didn’t want her to feel like that. Failing from time to time can be a good thing for a kid.  When we are out in the real world without our parents around telling us how perfect we are, life will surprise us if we don’t get a taste of this early on. But this animal had grown into much more, it wasn’t supposed to cause her such emotional pain. As a child, waiting three years to get something you desperately want and in her own mind thinks she tried her best, is earning it in a different way.

The turning point came when her best friend’s mother e-mailed me and said “I’m thinking of surprising Alexa and taking her to the mall after school and getting her ears pierced, do you want to join?” There it was, reckoning day. Not because of peer pressure, but because she and this friend have talked about getting their ears pierced together since the beginning. The vulnerable mommy in me came out and I caved. It would have crushed her to see her best friend’s new shiny earrings and I couldn’t let her miss the experience of them doing it together. 

In the car on the way to pick up Alexa and her mom, I looked at her in the rear view mirror and said, “Peyton, I have a surprise for you, we’re going to get Alexa and then go to the mall for you all to get your ears pierced.” She smiled from ear to un-pierced ear and looked out the window and said, “I can’t believe it, really?” I could tell she didn’t quite believe me and it made me sad.  After there were two little cubic zirconium earrings in her ears, I heard her say to her friend “I’m so glad you were here with me and I will always remember this.” And when we got home, she came over to me and said, “Mommy, I know I didn’t earn this, but thank you so much. I love my ears.” And I got the biggest hug I can remember in a long time. Ironically, that moment was worth more than every time she put her shoes up over the past three years. 

Special — check, Thank you — check, grateful — check, earned it…we’ll work on earning other things, I don’t mind admitting I learned a lesson this time.

 

Author: Shari Dabby

 

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