uncategorized Parenting: Are You Still Cutting Off The End Of Your Ham? Page 2 | Better Way Moms
Today is May 18, 2012

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Parenting: Are You Still Cutting Off The End Of Your Ham? Page 2

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Violence, Anger and Fear

No one feels good in an atmosphere of manipulation, shame, guilt, threats, force or violence. There is always loss associated with these behaviors. Children may comply for a time, but resentment, lack of trust, hatred, and usually more violence will result, leaving huge damage to undo. All too often the scars are too deep and the damage is irreparable.

It is unfortunate that frequently family members — those who should treat each other with the greatest amount of love and respect — are the most unkind to one another. Daily media reports graphically show unspeakable crimes committed in the name of love. Parenting can be painful and exasperating leaving one uncertain about the best course of action. But, one can’t expect the child to exemplify better behavior than the parents exhibit. You must balance and discipline yourself before you can expect your child’s behavior to improve. Lashing out in anger with physical punishment is never helpful.

Loving Words

I am a huge proponent for speaking lovingly to one another. When I was young, those who spoke lovingly and encouragingly to me, made a profound impact on my life, and I will be forever grateful. It has been my unstinting goal to implement this philosophy into my grandparenting. I had one Grandmother who was horribly abusive and another that was lovely, respectful and kind. I felt the emotional difference at a very young age.
 
Children need to know they are approved of. This is critical for their emotional stability. All human beings desire to be loved and appreciated. Anytime you sincerely praise the wonderful qualities and performance of your child, husband, or another you are doing something of great value. A bond of love is formed which enhances your interactions with all of these individuals and improves their self-esteem. Receiving approval from someone we respect is the most powerful builder of self-confidence. As you speak kind and loving words your life will become a source of strength and encouragement to those around you through your positive and loving example. Children learn best by example!

The Emotions of Words

Here is a list of descriptions of the emotions that loving words generate. (Think about the high energy associated with these emotions and how they positively effect the state of ones health.)

Self-acceptance, love, self-worth, peace, loyalty, security, health, happiness, joy, devotion, safety,  trust, beauty, freedom, unity, productivity, creativity, generosity, spirituality, compassion, harmony, enthusiasm, motivation, contentment, relaxation, excitement, playfulness, approval and satisfaction.

The absence of loving words and the use of unkind words generate feelings of: (Now feel the low frequency of the emotions associated with these words and feelings. They also impact ones health, but in a negative way.)

Emotional and physical pain, insecurity, frustration, illness, self-hate, selfishness, self-consciousness, fear, doubt, mistrust, grief, insomnia, stress, tension, mental preoccupation, depression, lack of feeling, meanness, cruelty, anger, violence, hatred, despair, rejection, jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy, remorse, defiance, and vengeance.

The contrast is shocking. Why would you ever want your child to grow up in any realm other than the beautiful and life-affirming environment created by the expression of loving words? The magic of sincere, loving words creates miracles.

Apologize

If you do or say something unkind, instantly apologize. The ability to admit you were unkind or thoughtless or even wrong is highly endearing. It can literally melt anger and diffuse the entire situation with love. The ability to apologize shows great strength and maturity. It demonstrates to your child that you are human and your motivation is to be kind, considerate, and fair, even though you may still have differences.

The “I LIKE” or “I LOVE” Formula

“I like” is a phrase that is particularly important. The mere fact that you like something about your child builds their feelings of confidence, for it truly is your approval your child seeks. Children are particularly susceptible to praise and demonstrations of your approval. The “I like” or “I love” formula works very well in strengthening a child’s self-esteem. Children are sensitive to competitive peer pressure. When you express that you like who they are and the positive things they do, in a non-competitive way, you empower them with self-confidence and better their chances for success. How you express the “I like” phrase is the key.

If you were to say, “Molly, you look good in that outfit” you would have inadvertently compared her appearance to an arbitrary standard of what Molly perceives to be good or bad. When complimented in this way, filters surface. She might spontaneously think, “I know I don’t look good compared to Janey, or the popular Jill from Sunday school.” Filters twist the meaning of your words and could actually remind the child that she feels inadequate.
 
The following technique is a more beneficial way to deliver compliments which bypasses filters and communicates what you like. Your opinion is what matters. The way to compliment, which removes competition, and speaks directly to the heart, would be, “Bella, I like the way you look in that outfit” or “I like how you put such cute outfits together,” “Molly, I love the color of your eyes” or “I like the way you take care of your toys” or “I like the picture you painted, tell me about it” or “I like spending time with you” or “I love how you share your toys with others.” Every comment should be positive and uplifting, pointing to your child’s perfection in your eyes.

Below is a list of little things that you can do to strengthen the bond with your child and other loved ones. Remember: without question, KINDNESS in words and actions is THE most significant way a parent can speak to a childs’s heart.

The Power of Touch

I refer to appropriate physical displays of affection which create positive feelings of wholeness and acceptance. These loving gestures include clasping the hand, stroking the head and hair, or gently caressing your child’s face. A hand on the shoulder or back can be especially comforting. As long as they will allow sitting on your lap, take advantage of that and read a book with them. Many children have an actual physiological need to be touched and held which creates feelings of acceptance.

The Smile

A smile is the perfect display of approval. This principle of generosity and acceptance applies deeply with your loved ones. Our daughter provides an excellent example: One morning my youngest daughter, nine year old Liz, walked into our room. I glanced in her direction, but remained immersed in concentration on a project. She painfully asked, “Are you mad at me? You didn’t smile at me this morning.”

It is easy to recall the pain of not feeling approval, particularly from male authority figures during childhood. From the limited experience of a child, it was impossible to tell if these adults liked or approved of you by the expression on their faces. It was uncomfortable to be around these people. Their stern demeanor created uncertainty and fear. The goal is to break this cycle of fear and abolish this austere stereotype. Smile. This loving gesture shows the world is a safe and loving place.

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