A Day Lost
I just put my son down for bed and I'm actually really upset with myself. I had the entire day with my son, alone, for the first time in a very long time. I was actually really looking forward to it. One of the things I've hated the most about working as much as I have been is that it takes me away from him.
It was pouring buckets of rain from the sky today, so the day at the park that I had planned was a bust. There was so much to get done, work for this site, work for my "day job," the house cleaning and trying to catch a cat nap for myself while he was having his nap. Funny, I never had that nap. I chose to read instead. I wanted just a few minutes to myself. That turned into an hour and a half, and before I knew it, he was calling for me. Nap time was over and more time "lost."
When he woke up, we were both a little groggy, so instead of playing cars with him, doing a puzzle together or coloring, I did something I'm really not proud of. I turned on a DVD and had him sit next to me on the couch while I transcribed an interview I did last week.
Then I made us lunch. After lunch we ran around for a minute, maybe two, playing his favorite game of "Chase me Mommy!" When I say a minute or two, I mean literally no more than 120 seconds. I'm almost seven months pregnant, so running is not my strong suit. Even running at the pace of a two-and-a-half-year-old.
After that, I found myself at a loss for things to do. In fact, I could tell that he was starting to get bored and cranky, so I started making up exercises: "Can you jump five times? How about ten? Can you jump ten times?" Then, I put in another DVD. I was a bit winded from all that jumping. I did more work while he sat on the couch. I felt really productive in my work. And at that moment, I was really proud of myself. That second DVD carried us through to the late afternoon. It took us all the way to bath time. My husband came home from a much deserved day with the “boys,” and started dinner while I went upstairs to start bath duty.
When we came back downstairs, I had a few more things I “just had to get done.” So on went the TV again, as my husband made dinner. At least we managed to eat as a family. I got to run around the dining room table for a few more minutes with my little critter (as I so lovingly call him). It brings him such joy, and his laughter is just so delicious. So those few minutes count, I think, towards actually spending time with him today.
After the bath and some dinner, I chased him up the stairs and helped him brush his teeth. I read him "The Monster at the End of this Book,"
As I closed his bedroom door, I realized I blew it.
The day was gone. I could't get it back. It was over.
I barely spent any time really engaging him, playing with him or teaching him things. The hours he sat in front of the TV started to haunt me.
As I sit here now and realize I could have taken him for a walk in the rain. I could have shown him how green and healthy the grass looks when it rains. I could have taken us for a drive and found a park with a covering to have lunch. I could have played cars with him and re-enforced his newly found love for “stop” and “go.” We could have gone to a bookstore and joked around for an hour while we looked at new and fun books. With this second baby on the way I know these days alone with him when I can really pay attention to him are going to be few and far between.
So, I have decided that I will use today as a serious wake up call. I know he wasn't hurt, and sometimes there really is a lot of work to get done. I'm not big on beating myself up over being “perfect.” That's a load of "stuff," and it's why we decided to create this site. But I do see today as a day lost, the kind of day I won't have for very much longer. The present really is all we have, and I promise myself that while I am allowed to have busy days, hard days and days that lack focus, I won't forget to be present with him going forward. The beautiful two-year-old boy that he is today won't be around for long. I’ll make sure I soak up every single day I have with him.
Author: Sarah
