Getting by With a Little Help from Friends

At least once a month I get a phone call or email like this:

"So, my friend so-and-so suggested I call you…."

"You may not know me, but someone suggested I write you…."

Why do these women contact me? I bet you can take a guess. Thinking of divorce, trouble in the marriage, a whiff (rather, a stench) of infidelity. They want to talk to a person who has been there. They want advice…and I'm more than happy to give it.

Don't get me wrong. I certainly do not consider myself an oracle in any way. And I definitely do not like to hear that a person's marriage (friend or otherwise) is going through a tough time. But I more than understand the need to speak with someone who has lived through this. And I have. Correction — I am.

When I separated three years ago, I had plenty of wonderful girlfriends who I could count on. But they were all married or single. Not a one had experienced what I was going through. That is not to say that they were not wonderful. They were incredible. Without their love, support and nightly phone calls, I would not have survived. They pulled me from the abyss and to this day I remain grateful for what they did.

However, when I did happen to meet to someone who was separated or divorced, I was so thankful to be able to speak to someone who knew what it was like. How it felt to have an empty bed night after night. And what it was like to explain to your kid that you and he alone were now a family. (Try doing that without sobbing uncontrollably.) It was such a relief to connect with someone on that level.

Now I am the person that other women reach toward. And I'm okay with that. I can tell you the difference between a litigious and a collaborative divorce. I can give you the name of a really good marriage counselor. I'll tell you to put your kid(s) in front of the TV when you need to cry. And I'll advise you that watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" while eating an ice cream sundae can brighten even the darkest days.

Although I am still finding my groove as a single mom, I can attest to being a seasoned one. I do not claim to be an all-knowing guru; however, experience does count for something. I'm never happy to hear that someone's marriage is on the rocks but it is something that can happen to the best of us. Something I have to remind myself on a daily basis.) The thing that I encourage people to do (besides make sure all bank accounts are joint) is reach out to their friends, family, or whomever will let them know that they are loved and cared for.

It took me a while to realize it, but I found that I was stronger to ask for help than to go at it alone. I'm usually the girl who can handle it all by myself. When things get bad, I hunker down. But after all that hunkering didn't really work, I understood that there is something to be said for safety in numbers.

My primary advice to these women goes something like this: This is going to suck, but you will be okay. You think you won't be — and it may take a while — but you will.

My secondary advice is simple. I take it directly from "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire": Phone a friend. She'll probably have the right answer.

Author: Stacey Linden

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Getting by With a Little Help from Friends

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