How Are We Supposed to Discipline Our Children?
As I do so many mornings, I plopped my blurry eyes in front of my computer at 5:50am after my daughter's morning feeding to read the news, catch up on work and prepare for my day in the quiet, private moments before dawn.
While reading the New York Times, my eyes glanced over an article called "When a Parent's Love Comes With Conditions."
I thought to myself, "What parent has conditional love for their child? That's ridiculous." And as it was designed to do, the title piqued my interest enough to have me click on the link. I had worries that I was about to read some horrid story about parents telling their children they don't love them unless they scrub the toilets with toothbrushes or something.
But to my, um guilt, I guess, what I read is that the style of parenting I've been using is going to, apparently, damage my children on a deep psychological level for years to come. Always a lovely thing to discover before breakfast.
For those children who receive "time outs" or perceive that their parents only love them when they do what their parents want, the world appears to be one of only conditional acceptance, i.e. "If you don't do exactly as I say, I won't love you." So wait a minute here. If I tell my children that throwing their toys at their siblings is unacceptable and I give them a "time out," they may learn the behaviors I want them to learn, but they will grow resentful and dislike me. Mmm..K.
Now, the article talks about using "conditional" parenting in both ways: positive reinforcement and negative withdrawal. I found myself feeling a little bit confused. Am I not supposed to praise my children when they do something good? Does that mean they will grow up thinking that I only love them when they're "good?" And if I give them a time out, does that mean they will think that I don't love them when they're "bad?"
You know, it's funny that I feel so confronted by this article. I've always told my husband and our close family that they are never to say "good boy!" or "good girl!" when they're praising my children. They are only to say "great work!" or "good job!" First of all, my kids aren't dogs, and secondly, my thought is that our children are always good, they are intrinsically good, and their actions are just that, actions. Their actions do not make or break our love for them.
Apparently that's not enough. Sigh. I'm so sick of the changing rules. I love my kids. I want them to be responsible, contributing members of society. When do the experts stop talking again?
But, my feelings of annoyance aside, this article did get me thinking about my own parents and how they disciplined me, or rather, how they didn't discipline me. I love my parents, but they didn't do much "parenting." My father, who was not in the home as I grew up (my parents were divorced when I was 18-months-old), was more like a really great friend to whom I knew I could tell anything. He was always there, and I knew he would drop anything if I needed him. I also knew, unequivocally, that he loved me. He was an absolute source of unconditional love. But a parent, in the sense of guidance, setting boundaries or discipline, he was not.
Neither was my mother. I won't bore you with the details, but a rather severe mental illness plagues my mother and I spent more time parenting her than the other way around. I include this only because I'm working to discover where my parenting "skills" or my idea of parenting may have come from. Leaves me to wonder as I don't think I had the strongest examples in my own parents.
Maybe I should stop reading all these parenting things and just do whatever I think is right. But maybe parents who beat their children feel that they are just doing what they think is right. I've always opted to read as much as I can and be as educated as possible on any issue — maybe that's because I was my own parent for so long. But educating myself about parenting is a desire and a necessity that I don't think I can or should ignore. Nothing is more important to me than doing a good job with my children.
The article ends by suggesting that we look at our own behavior and discipline through the eyes of our children — what do they perceive? What is their view of the world and our behavior towards them? I think that is the most important thing. We all know that each of our children is very different from one another. Tommy isn't exactly like Susie, and they need different forms of parenting. The article also states that the best parenting we can offer will inspire autonomy in our children, that they experience a sense of choice and unconditional acceptance.
Oddly enough, my parents provided both of those things: autonomy from my mother, and unconditional acceptance from my father. That being said, I wouldn't exactly offer up my childhood as an ideal one.
So, as I rely upon my own instincts (which have served me quite well, thank you) and all of the reading and studying I've done on parenting (I really wish they'd stop changing the rules on us), I will remember this article's advice to actively imagine "how things look from the child's point of view."
I'll really try and keep that in mind the next time I hear a Lego whiz through the air.
Author: Sarah
