How My Heart Looks On My Sleeve

So there's a saying that to be a mother is to forever wear your heart on your sleeve. That was always a little tough for me to swallow. You see, I work very hard at not wearing anything on my sleeve.

I have always been like that. Very honest, very straightforward, but also very guarded. I'm a social person and private person. I don't know how or why I'm this way … it's just me. I suppose we all have our idiosyncrasies.

So along came motherhood, and this overwhelming sense to care for, protect, nurture, shield and love this new baby girl I was now responsible for in the world. And, as you probably have realized by now, this was a real doosie to process. When asked about it, I would resort to humor and sarcasm during that adjustment period. I would joke about the never-ending stream of pee-pee that took over my world, how I would only run out of diapers at the major pooping sessions, and how sterilizing bottles seemed to never, ever end. I would make others laugh, but I wouldn’t really talk about the immense love I felt for my child. The love was there, as I expected it would be, but so were many other emotions I wasn’t prepared for, like loneliness, anxiety, true exhaustion (how I ever referred to myself as “tired” before I was a mom is beyond me), and sometimes despair.

It took me some time to snap out of/adjust to all of this, but I am proud to say that I've transitioned to a better place. As the mommy of a now two year-old, I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of things down; they no longer seem overwhelming and out of control. And, I had managed to avoid being a complete mush-ball in social settings about my daughter. My humor and sarcasm still played well in conversation, so I had stuck with it.

And then — a moment occurred. I guess you never really know what will strike a chord and truly hit home and create a mountainous reaction in a split second. And that’s what happened to me. A total ordinary occurrence shook my world and changed me in a moment.

My daughter got her ears pierced last weekend. She had been asking for it for sometime and we decided to go for it. She was really excited about it, and then really angry about the pain that had been inflicted on her, and then really excited again that she had “big girl earrings.” It had been a big day for her, and when she fell asleep that night she went down hard. I snuck in her room that night to check on her. I skulked through the darkness and tiptoed to her crib, careful not to wake my sleeping baby (not ever, never ever). I watched her sound asleep, breathing gently in and out in perfect respiratory harmony, and I caught sight of the earrings in her ears. She looked so grown up and so, so beautiful.

I can’t tell you why but for some reason my heart suddenly swelled in my body, overtaking it completely. It rendered the surrounding organs useless … my lungs, stomach and liver all ceased to exist. I stood there – this massive heart pulsing pure and true love through my veins. I felt emotionally naked - completely vulnerable and I didn’t care. I just let the love flow through me and pour out of me, covering the floor and swirling around until it filled the room completely. That’s the best way I can describe my feelings in that moment. It was breathtaking and awesome in the truest sense of the word.

I don’t know if my daughter felt anything in that moment, or sensed my presence at all. She never woke up and didn’t even twitch, while it feels like something in me has transformed. My sarcastic nature has definitely taken a hit and is now sharing space with my new mushball perspective. I've already told several people about that moment and I don’t plan to stop. Hello, my name is Amy and I’m the mom gushing about the love for her daughter to anyone who will listen.

Though I don’t live in that state of bliss at every moment, this experience was far too powerful for me to forget. It is always there in some form or another, as I go about the business of my day wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Author: Amy