I Feel Lost, Where Did I Go?
If I where a vegetable, I'd like to imagine myself as an apple. Peel away my many layers of responsibility, duty and general things to do until you hit my solid, healthy, vital core inside. That's the idea.
Now here's my fear — peeling away all those layers to reveal. Drum role please...ta-da! Nothing. Nada. Nothing at the core, nothing at the center of the everyday madness. I'm gone, and now there is just emptiness where I used to be. Actually, it's worse than that, because I have a distant and foggy memory of being solid as a rock once, of being founded on something. I was a healthy, well-adjusted, socially competent person, I swear! I knew who I was, what I wanted and where I was going. Now? Um, not so much.
So, it makes me take stock for just a moment. The lyrics, "This is not my beautiful house; This is not my beautiful wife...HOW DID I GET HERE?" come to mind (thank you Talking Heads). Well, I got here the same way I imagine many of us do: meeting the person I love most in the world and wanting to build a family with him. That was the goal, that was the path. These were solid, well-thought out decisions I was making and don't regret. What I didn't expect was, well, everything else. Everything else I need to do to maintain this dream, and stay on this path. I sometimes feel adrift on a sea of things to accomplish, trying to find my way through the fog and praying for land or a place to plant myself down. And this isn't about loving my husband or my child or my friends, that's a given. I just can't find me to save my life.
So, I've decided I need saving. And while it's definitely easier to sit back and wonder who will be doing it for me, I might as well start facing the truth now and save time (I'm all about saving time these days). My hero is a woman — and she is me. I've decided to become my own savior. I'm dusting off my journal and favorite pen and going in. And I'll write the truth about who I am, I don't care how long or how many pages it takes. I need to find me again because I used to be pretty interesting! And because it always starts with us, doesn't it? When you're solid at the core, everything else seems doable.
Well, eventually.
Author: Amy
