I Judge, Therefore...
Last summer, the mommy listservs were abuzz with furor over Gisele Bundchen's idiotic comment about how women should be required to breastfeed for the first six months of their baby's life. A woman on my local parent listserv started a thread about this article, an opinion piece from the Boston Globe. Condemning Bundchen’s comment as ludicrous, judgmental, and narrow-minded, the author concludes, as she should, that everyone has to make their own choices for their own reasons, and we have no business judging other people for the choices they make. Sure, I completely agree.
Well, except we do judge each other, don't we? Remember that Sex and the City episode when Carrie walks in on Samantha engaging in a certain act with the World Wide Express Guy? When she walks out, shocked, Samantha accuses Carrie of judging her. Carrie finally admits that yes, "I did judge you — but just a little," after Samantha proudly declares that she will fellate whomever she wants whenever she wants as long as she can breathe and kneel. Of course, Samantha eventually admits, "Oh, honey, I judge me, too..."
So, yes; we judge ourselves all the time. The first couple years of your child's life can be really hard, and for me, having two small kids has been brutal at times. When I read this article, something clicked in my head: I think the past year has been so tough because parenting two very small children is often a thankless job. There's a lot of hard work, a lot of exhaustion, and a lot of energy expended, but not a ton in return.
Don't get me wrong, there is an immense amount of joy in watching your baby smile, grin, giggle, clap her hands, dance in her chair, and say, "mama." There is a ton of joy in watching your little boy sing along with your favorite songs, ask to cuddle and read a book with you, ask questions about how rain makes flowers grow, and say, "you're my friend, mama." Lots of joy. No question about that.
But there are so many other things that are really challenging, gross, boring, and exhausting. You know what I'm talking about: lots of contact with smelly poop, nipples chewed up by a shark baby, the endless tightrope walk of dinnertime after a long day. Babies and very young kids aren't going to say:
"Thanks for changing my nasty diaper, Mommy!"
"Thanks for driving to three different Target stores to find pants that fit me."
"Thanks for continuing to breastfeed me even though I can't figure out how to nurse without hurting you."
"Thanks for reading me the same book 20 times in a row."
When you work outside your home, your boss, ideally, will tell you when you're doing a good job, but your kids don't exactly give you that same kind of feedback. That's OK. I'm not waiting around expecting them to graciously stroke what’s left of my ego. It’s ridiculous to expect your 3 year old to say, "Don't worry, Mommy. You're doing a great job raising me. And if I'm screwed up a little, it's really not your fault."
No, I think we need to hear that kind of reassurance from other parents, and this is why it's so awful when we judge each other. Way too many people have an underlying assumption that they know what's best for other people and other people's kids. Sure, some of these people are well meaning, but seriously, think before you open your mouth. I've been amazed at how quickly people tell me what to do and how infrequently people ask me how I feel.
One mom who posted a reply on the thread on my local listserv commented that she was amazed at how brutally competitive parenting can be.
She’s so, so right.
Maybe it's because we don't get enough positive feedback directly from our kids that we seek it from others by always having to show the world what our kids can do: "Look! My kid is already reading and he's two!" or "My child was out of diapers by 15 months!"
And yes, I'm totally guilty of this as well. I'm no saint. It's almost as if our kids and our parenting choices manage to eclipse our identities, so we hang our worth on them. Or maybe I'm just projecting like crazy, and the rest of you are saying, "Uh... maybe... but maybe you should just chill out about this..."
Maybe.
Or maybe it's the insecurity that, I admit, I feel. Maybe I'm guilty of comparing myself to other parents, but I know I'm not the only one who falls into that trap. Maybe I do this (and I'm guessing that others do, too) because our default reaction is to judge: ourselves, each other and people we don't even know.
So, let's make a deal, shall we? I'll stop beating myself up. After all, who cares if my son throws more tantrums than your kid does? Who cares if I don't nurse my daughter as long as you nursed yours? Who cares if my preschooler is still very much in pull-ups?
And we will all agree to judge each other - just a little bit — less.
Author: Divya Kumar
You can follow Divya on her blog, MonsoonMama.
