I Woke Up Furious Today
I woke up furious today, for no particular reason. I felt like the character Sandra Bullock played in the movie “Crash”. I have an incredibly privileged life, a healthy and loving family. But despite all of that I’m angry. And for a good portion of the day, I didn’t know why.
Then, as I was in the shower, I realized there were a lot of reasons I was so irate. I haven’t had a haircut in seven months because money is tight. My legs are rarely shaved, my figure isn’t what it used to be, I have a few gray hairs but I don’t want to start dying my hair (even though my husband flat out said that he doesn’t like my gray hair) and I am feeling rather unlike myself.
I used to get up at 6:00am every morning and go running. Five days a week I would do that. I would run four to six miles a day. I still get up around 6:00 but it’s when my two-year-old starts singing in his crib. That sound makes me smile every morning. It’s much better than the “ding ding” of my old alarm clock. But instead of getting up for me, I get up for him. I don’t begrudge him that, he’s my child, of course I do things just for him. Yet somehow, along the way, I have stopped doing things for me altogether. What is stopping me from going running earlier? I’m completely capable of doing that if I want to. So why have I stopped?
Then there is my hair. I used to have great hair. People, complete strangers, would actually come up to me and compliment me on my hair. Now I wash it once every three days, it’s always back in a pony tail and it’s starting to turn gray (I’m only 34). My haircuts used to cost about as much as the gross national product of Fiji, but I could bring down the price a little bit and get them more often, right? I wonder why I don’t do that. It seems like such a reasonable and smart thing to do. It’s so unlike me to not be reasonable and smart.
Finally, there is my body. I used to really take care of it. I actually sat down to eat meals instead of shoving whatever is on the counter into my mouth as I run out the door. Depending on my schedule, I would either go to the gym at least three days a week or run five days a week. I would dress well, get massages and shave my legs. Now I kind of forget that my body is even there. It’s something to be bothered about now, not something that’s a joy to take care of. Shaving my legs takes too much time. And exercise — what is that? Isn’t dashing off to work, sitting in front of a computer, running to get lunch and then speeding home to see my son, exercise? Doesn’t that count? What about lifting the groceries once a week? Surely that’s enough? Both the scale and the tighter fit of my clothes answer, “No, it’s not enough.”
So as this day has continued to go on, I’ve realized why I’m furious. I’m angry with myself. I have a beautiful son, a very loving and attentive husband (my friends and family remind me all the time how lucky I am to have someone so amazing, and they’re right) a beautiful home, a great job in a bad economy and my health. But in becoming a mother, I have given myself permission to get sloppy. This is not motherhood’s fault, my husband’s fault or my son’s fault. This is my fault. Nowhere in the "Book of Life" does it say that by becoming a mother you must forget who you are. No no, I did this.
It’s not fun to have this realization. It's even harder to share it. Because it means I may actually have to do something about it. I might actually have to research some great hair salons around here that aren’t as expensive as those I used to go to. I may have to stop and take the extra 30 seconds to shave my legs every morning in the shower, instead of pretending that I’m too busy or that I don’t matter enough to take the time. And heaven forbid I get up before my son, and take care of my body. Nothing is stopping me from doing some light exercises in my living room in the quiet of the mornings, or after he’s gone to bed. I put all of these limitations on myself, not motherhood.
So, I’ve made a plan for tonight and tomorrow. There’s no time like the present, right? I’m going to be very loving to my husband and son at dinner tonight. I’m going to actually plan a dinner, and have it ready on time. And it’s going to be both inexpensive and delicious! I’m going to do some light exercises after my son is in bed, while I watch the news with my husband. And tomorrow morning, I’m going to shave my legs, wash my hair and make an appointment for a haircut. I’m a good mom and a good wife. I don’t need to be angry with myself any more, it just gets in the way of who I am for my family and who I am for myself. We all know that when the woman of the house is “off”, the whole family is off. I know that my family deserves better.
Author: Sarah
