It's Fun To Win!
One night this summer my family, including my husband's brother and his wife, played mini golf. After some creative scorekeeping by his aunt, my three-year-old middle child won out of the six of us playing. This feeling was unusual for him because, well, if you're a middle child you can understand. The next day he said, "Playing golf last night was so much fun Mommy!" and I replied, "I know Wyatt, and you probably had the most fun because you won." My sister-in-law was in the room and asked about my response and its message that the one who wins has the most fun vs. everyone having fun regardless. It was a great question. My gut response was that I think parents have gotten a little soft in this area. We are creating a generation of kids who have no sense of healthy competition. We let everyone play no matter what and who cares if the team only wins one game this year and everyone gets a trophy. What's wrong with being competitive? What's wrong with encouraging your child to be good at what he's good at instead of pushing him to do everything and being average at most things? Is it so wrong to want to win?
Oh, my, did she really just write that?! Well, yes actually, yes I did. Is she suggesting that the kid with two left feet should have to sit on the bench all season? No, not at all. Before you throw something at a picture of me I think there is a window when everyone playing is fine. But I think there's an age appropriate time, one which may be younger than most parents might agree with, where kids should deal with not being allowed to play every game. And the kids who earned a trophy at the end of the season get a trophy instead of everyone getting a trophy just for showing up.
We are afraid to encourage our kids to be competitive in certain areas, namely sports, because it seems very un-PC. I know, I know, there are studies that say how kids would rather just play the game no matter what the outcome than be on a team that has pressure to win. But, how about having fun playing the game and learning to handle an appropriate amount of pressure and enjoying the win? And how about learning to lose? The most important component of all is learning good sportsmanship and how to win and lose graciously. This most valuable characteristic seems to be getting lost in the madness. It's not surprising that good sportsmanship doesn't always get passed along if their role models are screaming at coaches and wielding bats at one another…but I digress.
Parents of my generation don't like our kids to be disappointed. We don't want them to be sad at all costs. Probably because we're trying to do the parenting thing better than our parents did…fair enough. But in the process we're not always doing them a favor. It's obvious, but mommy and daddy aren’t always going to be there to tell them how great they are at everything. We have to compete our whole lives for different things, it's a part of the deal, so why do we choose to eliminate this learning experience from their world? Why does everyone who signs up for cheerleading get on the squad? I signed my daughter up for cheerleading and asked them when the tryouts were and the answer was "Tryouts? Everyone who signs up gets to be on the squad." WHAT? Let's just say…motley crew. Why at the end of the game is it a "tie?" Do we really think the kids are that stupid that they don't know when one team has scored more than the other? Learning to deal with disappointment is one of the most important life skills we can have. What an opportunity, as a parent, to be able to walk your kid through disappointment when they're little and give them the tools to cope with this emotion than when they're 25 and they realize they're not going to make a living at being an artist because their paintings stink.
My daughter has a voice that shatters glass. My husband looked at me one day and said "Oh, she really can't sing…and she obviously doesn't have a clue." Unfortunately for her, she got my lack of vocal ability. My children have all, separately asked me to not sing to them. I'm not making this up. If the choice was for them to have me sing or never hear music again it'd be unanimously the latter. So one day out of the blue, she asked him if she had a good voice. The deer in the headlights stammered and answered, "Well…Peyton…I love that you love to sing, but you don't have a great voice." He braced for the screaming and crying and crushed self-esteem and it didn't happen. She replied, "That's fine, I am going to keep singing and maybe I'll get better." Good answer Peyton.
I've thought a lot about this since my conversation with my sister-in-law. The bottom line is…it is more fun to win. The person who comes in last place and with emotional absence says, "it was just a thrill to compete" is leaving out the part, "but I really wish we would have won." Now that is the truth. It is fun to play, it's way more fun to win. If it wasn't fun to win, we wouldn't keep scores, we wouldn't have the Super Bowl, the Olympics wouldn't have a gold, silver and bronze (and by the way, how many bronze winners can you name and how many have gotten endorsement deals? Just sayin'.) and the Yankees wouldn't exist.
In parting, I want to bring it home with an example many of us can relate to…the Academy Awards Show. Here is a group of people "aka children" who have never been told they aren't all fabulous and as a result someone decided it would be best to protect them and not let anyone walk away disappointed when someone else "wins" the award. So several years ago the Oscars are handed out by the presenter saying "…and the Academy Award goes to…" instead of "…and the winner is…" Enough said.
Author: Shari Dabby
