Just When I Thought I Knew It All
My son is seven. He has grown up in a nut-free world. His sister's life threatening allergy does not allow for nuts in our house, nuts in our food, nuts at the store or in candy bars or anything from a bakery. When he was two he was tested for the allergy his sister has. The test came back inconclusive and we were warned to keep him away from nuts as well. This wasn't a problem. If we can handle one, we can handle two kids with nut allergies, right?
When he was three he was tested again much to our liking, he was negative on all counts. Yay! However, he has continued to stay away from anything containing nuts on behalf of his sister. He has never once said a word about this. Until now.
Last year our son started first grade. He was introduced to the world of cafeterias and hot lunches. He takes a cold lunch, like his sister, that is safe for her. I just make two lunches and it keeps it simple. This year he has asked to take hot lunch. I explained to him that we can't be sure if the food is safe and he said, "But mom, I'm not the one with the allergy." This shocked me! I guess I never thought about the fact that he would want to eat something outside of our safe little world. But he's right, he doesn't have the allergy. Do I keep him from eating things that my daughter can't? Do I stick to the safe routine? I gave in, for his sake, and let him take a couple hot lunches during the year (with the promise of not telling his sister). I also allowed the school to send him a sack lunch on his fieldtrips. This was way out of my comfort zone. I stressed out every time I let him do this. What if he forgets to wash his hands and touches his sister? What if she sees him doing this and feels sad and left out? What if she finds out I told him not to tell her.....what if?
I know that he obviously can't eat things that are unsafe at the house, just like we can't, but what about when he's at a friends house or at school and not around his sister? I thought I was the professional "mom-of-a-kid-with-an-allergy", but I am at a loss with this one. I do not want him to resent his sister's allergy. I admit, I do not know it all.
I took my son to the store the other day and he asked me for a candy bar. Since his sister wasn't with us, I said yes. Then I felt so amazingly guilty! I can't believe how guilty I felt, like I was betraying my daughter! I am at a loss with this newest complication. I don't want to say no to my son, but I have to until he is older and realizes the consequences, right? Again today we went to a restaurant and he asked me for a cookie. I told him "No, it may contain nuts,.", to which he replied "But mom, I don't have an allergy to nuts!" I did not let him have the cookie.
I know the obvious answer is to be the parent and just say no because it's the safest thing to do. But I don't want him to begin to resent his sister. Just when I thought I had this allergy under control and I knew all the answers, the newest problem arises from the place I least expected it. What would you do?
Let us know what you think! Send us your response.
Author: Kelly
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Comments:
Aaargh. I totally get this: how best to be fair and not create resentment, as if plain old sibling rivalry isn't enough of a challenge. How about de-coupling a bit sister's needs from his while not ignoring them? Kind of like if one kid is diabetic and the other isn't. The non-diabetic one shouldn't feel bad because they don't have to take insulin shots. It just is what it is, and part of life. So, if you're at the store and he gets a treat, have him pick one that his sister can have too. Maybe even one for you and dad too that shows everyone has things they can and can't have: "Dad is allergic to citrus so let's get him a yummy apple" or "Dairy makes mommy's tummy hurt, so I'm going to have a fruit cup." That way no one feels like one person's getting a forbidden privilege and is getting an appropriate treat for whatever their situation is.
If it's hard to find a suitable treat for sister, all the better because he gets an inkling of what she has to forego. Then follow with the reminder, "I know you know this but remember to wash your hands after you eat yours because sister can get sick. But I know she'll be excited that you thought of her and brought her a treat too." Good luck and thanks for a very relevant post for many parents or anyone raising small kids.
Natasha
