Name That Feeling
My husband usually drops our daughter off at daycare in the morning and picks her up in the evening (as I work longer hours than he does). He was recently out of town for a couple of days, and I informed my company I would be taking on this task while he was away. This meant I would arrive at the office at 9:00am and leave at 5:00pm — a huge treat for me! I normally don’t get to see her in the morning because she’s still sleeping when I leave. So, the morning after my husband left, I woke up with her and got her ready, and to say it has transformed my entire day is an understatement.
I am still in a complete state of surprise at what a difference seeing my daughter in the morning made. It was a wonderful morning...we talked and sang while we got ready. I was completely present with her and felt calm and peaceful. When I dropped her off at daycare, I gave her a quick kiss goodbye and proceeded to work without my usual anger, bitterness and resentment. I had spent time with my daughter this morning — what an incredible way to start the day! I usually see her in the evening after I get home from work, but this little precious moment of time in the morning made such a difference for me.
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tranquil experience that filled me that morning, it has a name…balance. This is what balance feels like. It had been so long, I didn’t even recognize it. Seeing her in the beginning of the day and the end of the day balances my day and, in turn, balanced me!
I work in finance, and I must say this industry has been very good to me. They expect a lot, and therefore tend to compensate well. So I play by the rules, working ten hour days with another 90 minutes tagged on for commuting. Even now, in the current economic crisis, I feel lucky to have a solid, concrete job that helps provide for my family. And still, I have no balance. This was not an issue before we had a child, but it’s an issue now, and one that shows no sign of disappearing.
Perhaps some say I should be thanking the good Lord above that I have a job. I should keep my mouth shut and just continue to grin and bear it, right? I certainly say that to myself almost daily, appreciating how blessed I am as so many others are unemployed. But the price to pay for 'grinning and bearing it' has turned into a mountain of anger, resentment and frustration — one that's starting to eat me alive. Sound dramatic? It wasn’t at first. But the daily wear and tear of feeling this way adds up. As such, it's pretty dramatic now.
But I've had an enlightening experience. After seeing my daughter those mornings and feeling that sense of balance, the way my day could start, I simply can no longer turn a blind eye and look away. I'm aware that compromises need to be made to keep a family going, for sure. However, complete sacrifice of one’s self should not be on that list.
So, I’m going to turn towards the light and attempt to work to create a new situation for myself. One that I can be proud of and embrace, and one that provides me with balance. Isn't that what I would want my daughter to create for herself if she was in my situation? You bet it is, that would be my exact advice, and it's time to start practicing what I preach.
Author: Amy
