Stupid Husband (His Words, Not Ours)
I shall remain anonymous to protect the innocent (namely my beautiful wife, my wonderful children, dear friends, acquaintances — okay, basically everybody I’ve ever come in contact with).
First and foremost, you must understand that I am a stupid husband and father. There's no getting around this. Despite this fact, through the miracle of miracles, I married a kind, hilarious, social and beautiful woman. My polar opposite. We have three wonderful children: a seven-year-old girl, a five-year-old boy and an 18-month old girl. Each of them is a joy to be around and as they grow older, each of them will wonder what he or she did wrong to deserve a father like me. I have a good job, a decent education and I live in suburbia surrounded by families with husbands and fathers not nearly as inept as yours truly.
I'm prone to bouts of stupidity. It follows me like my 18-month-old follows her Mom — never more than a foot and a half away and usually holding on tight around her Mom’s neck. My goal in sharing my foibles is to help comfort those of you out there who might be dealing with a husband or father like me. I hope you will take comfort in knowing that there is, in fact, a husband and father out there that has done and will do much dumber things than your husband.
People have asked me "When did you know you had a problem?" I suppose I have always known, but the events of the past week have been a revelation for me.
As mentioned above, we live in a wonderful neighborhood. We have a terrific group of friends. There are six couples in the neighborhood that get together on a regular basis, whether it's dinner with the couples or the women getting together for lunch with kids.
Some months ago a few of the husbands decided it would be great to plan a surprise party for the wife of one of our friends. The conversations evolved and eventually the husbands decided on a weekend trip to Las Vegas for the surprise. Sounds great, right? Only problem was that only four of the six husbands were involved in the discussions and the four husbands decided to limit the trip to four couples instead of the usual six. The men justified it saying that traveling with 12 would complicate things and make it harder to go to dinner together, etc. We were thrilled with our plan and presented it to our wives as a done deal.
Within half a second, each of the women involved recognized the problem and began insisting that we include the other two couples. They couldn’t believe we weren't going to include them and they certainly didn't buy into the reasoning behind our decisions. We husbands blew off their concerns and chalked it up to an "over-reaction" on their part, telling our wives that it won’t be "nearly as bad as you think." This same discussion took place at least 2,124 times in a four-month period and each and every time, we ignored the concerns of our wives.
The time for the trip eventually arrived. Being a stupid husband I congratulated myself on successfully ignoring my wife's concerns for four months and urged her to "just enjoy the trip." We did have a great time. Great company, great food and great shopping. (Frankly, the women probably would have had a better time without the men folk around but that shouldn't surprise anyone.)
The plane ride home was a somber one. The normally rowdy bunch was almost completely silent. I believe each woman was trying to contemplate the awkward moments she would be forced into over the next couple of days.
And sure enough the awkward moments arrived. The arrival can be likened to the moment when the kids return home from school. You know that moment. It's sudden, it's overpowering and even though you know it's coming and even though you've prepared yourself for it all day, you are powerless once it finally arrives. The house is clean and quiet and within seconds of the front door flying open the house is turned into a disaster area with markers on the wall, backpacks being slung around like rotors on a helicopter and the peace and quiet being killed by demands for snacks, friends and the location of a certain Batman action figure that may or may not have been inadvertently thrown away by a careless father. (If this is not how your house is when the kids return home from school, you absolutely must share your secret with me.)
Because I refused to listen to my wife's concerns she was forced into a situation where she had to apologize to two of her very dear friends for something which she really had no control over. She was subjected to some good tongue lashings and afterwards she called me at work in tears rightfully blaming me for putting her in this situation. I then had to make the same apologies. Neighborhood dinner groups may now come to an end. Lunch groups will certainly go on hiatus for the foreseeable future. At this pace we're looking at a revival of the Hatfields and McCoys or the Sharks and Jets (without the singing and dancing).
Stupid, stupid me. This is only the most recent episode of my stupidity, but it is representative of my work over the last 20 years. My mistake in this case was not listening to a much smarter and a much more compassionate person than myself. But come on, all men are guilty of not listening. My real problem here was not listening to the same warning for four solid months. That, my friends, is what sets me apart from your average husband and father.
I'd like to be able to tell you that I’ve learned my lesson. That would be nice. Maybe someday I'll be able to say that. But right now there is a 100% chance that I will do yet another stupid thing before week's end. The only question is who will my actions affect the most. Wife? Daughter? Son? Complete stranger?
I'm betting two of the four.
Author: Anonymous Husband
