The Third Party: The Relationship

Ah…the relationship. We talk so much about it here, but there is so much more to say. What is a relationship anyway? And why does it seem to alter as much as it does once kids are in the picture?

Something happens to a relationship once kids are born. They need our attention, and they need a lot of it. Once they're finally asleep or they are away for a few hours, we tend to find ourselves so exhausted that we can't really do anything but stare at our partners and babble or fall asleep.

The idea for this article came to me when I saw one of the most joyous walks down the aisle of all time. You've probably been sent the YouTube link by your friends already, but it's here too in case you haven't seen it yet (and even if you have, watching it again will always make you smile).

Wedding Entrance Dance on YouTube

I am about to have a baby, and I realize that pregnancy hormones may be to blame for this, but in between my giggles, I found myself tearing up with happiness as I watched it. The pure surprise, joy, love and delight really warmed my heart. I still have a smile on my face when I think of it.

I started to wonder what it was that made me so happy. Was it that it was so different and it took some guts to pull off? Was it the fun they were all having? Was it the promise of a fresh new future and all the magic of making a commitment? I think that all those things had a part to play in it, definitely. But I also think it was because something else was really clear, this couple is really well suited for each other. It's not every man and woman that would agree to walk down the aisle in such an unconventional way.

For a while now, I've been known to say that there are three elements to a romantic relationship: the two individuals involved and the relationship itself. I think what we see in this clip is the joy and the health of the relationship itself.

So many of us in relationships tend to think of our own needs, or the needs of our partners, but what would happen if we actually stopped for a second and asked, "What does the relationship need? What would it want?" We talk about relationships being alive, breathing entities, but we don’t always treat them that way. If they are alive and they need attention, why don't we consider what they need?

My own life is a brilliant example, I'm sorry to say. Today I found myself needing to get things done for work, my son needed me, I'm a little slow (what with being 100 months pregnant and all), and my husband had things he needed to get done as well. We both gave each other what the other needed. I got to sleep for an extra hour, I watched our son while my husband went to church, I played with Jack in his room so my husband could rest, and the list goes on and on. Give and take, doing doing doing, task, task, need, need.....

But the relationship? The relationship of love between the two of us, didn’t really get anything. It's so easy to push aside that third entity. There is always so much to get done, and in this example, with everything that needed attention, I'm not sure what we could have cut out.

But as I ask myself, "What does the relationship need today?" the only thing I can think of are the small things: a quick kiss as we pass each other in the hallway, a foot rub for my husband, a hug in the kitchen and an affectionate pat on the rear here and there. These are small things, but they add up.

As you all know, I wrote about the shock that Jon & Kate's break up was for me (call me optimistic). Maybe that was naïveté on my part, but I saw their happiness and I outlined it in that article. I couldn't understand how a couple goes from all that love and laughter and silliness to the hatred and anger and bitterness that we saw. It really is something to wrap one's head around.

And then I look back on today and I wonder what would happen if my husband suddenly found out that someone younger, and more…um…energetic, wanted to be with him. How tempting would that be compared to the list of “to-dos” and the exhausted weekends that we spend together? Same thing goes for my end as well, I suppose.

I'm not saying I'm really worried about this, don’t get me wrong. We love each other and I know that, but it is easy to see how a relationship could pass away while two people are cohabitating. It would be easy to not notice given all that we legitimately have to get done. And like I said about Jon & Kate, we all saw that one die right before our very eyes. Compare that to the fun we see in the clip above. Relationships can die slow and quiet deaths, we've all seen it.

I, for one, will not be going down that road if I can help it. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, but I know that slowing down just a little bit here and there, and making sure that I do the little things to keep our relationship alive and happy, will be making a difference.

Then maybe our ten year anniversary will be as much fun as the wedding in that clip.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some sore feet to attend to….

Author: Sarah

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