To-Do Lists

I have this terrible fear that when I die, the only evidence that I was here will be the mountain of crossed off to-do lists on my desk, in my purse and in several notebooks scattered throughout the house.

I have become such a do-er, that I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing here.

I've always said that when I died, I wanted my tombstone to read "Died completely burned out." But I have this feeling that I might be taking that a little bit too far...

I believe life is meant to be lived to the fullest. We have one shot at it, we are never promised tomorrow. And we rarely regret the things we DO do, and almost always regret the things we DON'T do. And I never wanted to look back on my life and regret all of the things I didn't do.

But somewhere along the way, my life has become less about really being with people and about enjoying my amazing life, and more about to-do lists. There seem to be a great deal of lists in my life, and not that much living.

What if this is all there is? What if I don't make a difference in other peoples' lives? What if this is all I will actually accomplish in my life? But, if I don't make the lists, nothing gets done. What's a mother to do?

I know that as mothers we can spend a great deal of our time doing things that no one ever sees. This starts with the first pregnancy when we feel the aches, the kicks and the sickness that no one else knows about. We have secret moments of doubt about our own abilities as we pick up toy after toy, papers, clothes and household items every day and put them where they belong. Why do I feel like I'm always behind? Am I doing OK at work? Do I see my children enough? Am I giving my partner the attention our relationship needs and deserves?

And no one ever really knows about these things. We give hugs that no one sees, we wipe noses and mouths and we pick up diapers, stay up late and pump and stash money into college accounts instead of buying ourselves a badly needed pair of pants.

I actually don't think it's too much of a stretch to feel like we're invisible or feel like what we do on a daily basis doesn't matter. Except we know that if we don't do it, a whole bunch of people won't have what they need.

So...we make lists. We make a lot of lists. Sometimes the lists get checked off, and sometimes they get lost in our bags and we forget we even wrote them. In fact, this article has been on my to-do list for no less than five weeks. Yes, that's right. Five weeks.

The lists I write every day include everything from ingredients needed for the latest new recipe, to items I want on huge power point presentations, complete with more numbers and research than any one person should have to sort through in a lifetime. And the funny thing is, the thoughts about these items for my never-ending lists always come up when I'm in the wrong place. I'll remember that I need to update my kitchen calendar while I'm in a meeting at work. I'll remember that we're out of comet while I'm in the car and no where near a store. I'll remember a new strategy I need to put into my presentation while I'm breastfeeding at 4:00am. My favorite is when I'm at work, two hours before everyone else so I can catch up on the day before and leave early, and I think of very important things like making sure I put bleach on the cloth napkin that got covered in red lipstick during last week’s holiday party. Lovely. What am I supposed to do with that?

And of course, by the time I get home, the bleach is all but forgotten and replaced with phone calls I should have made and e-mails I should have written while I was at work. But I’ll just jot these down on my latest to-do list because while these ideas are popping into my head, I'm playing with my kids for the few precious hours I have with them. Or, I'm making dinner, cleaning the house, getting ready for the holidays or catching up on articles for the site.

But the worst part about all this is that this is not how I want to live my life. There's that old joke about how most of us think about our laundry during sex, and we think about sex while we're doing the laundry, but we never seem to actually think about what we’re doing while we're doing it. 

Hence the invention of the to-do list. Capture what there is for you to do when you can't get to it at the moment, right?

But is there a list for "missing out on life?" Hmmm...I wonder.

Author: Sarah

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