Inner Struggles of an Insecure Mom
There are others doing this whole "mom thing" better than I am. That's inevitably what I end up thinking at some point. To back up a bit, I should explain that I'm a competitive person by nature. My favorite game is "me versus me." Am I the best I can be? Could I be doing better? Am I doing all I said I would? My personal success was generally measured by how well I lived up to my expectations and goals. And because I knew my opponent — one of us would always win.
As a mom I feel like I'm in uncharted territory. I don't know if I'm measuring up because I have no idea what expectations and goals I should meet. Obviously, I'd love a healthy, happy, well-adjusted child who knows she's loved. And one that isn't spoiled. One that says "please" and "thank you" more than "mine" and "now." So how do I get that exactly? How can I tell my daughter is moving towards that? I don't know.
What I do know is that the mom I just passed on the sidewalk has figured it out, for sure. Definitely, she's got it down pat. Is there a new parenting book out that I missed? Shoot, maybe I should ask her. But if I did ask her, then she'd know I'm not cutting it. And, she'd give me a look that said so. Then she'd pity me. So I guess I won't ask her so I can keep up the facade that I'm figuring this all out exactly on schedule. She can go back to being perfect and not be bothered by a mom who clearly doesn't have it all together.
This is what insecurity looks like for me. I used to be ashamed to admit it, but there it is. Out there for all of you to see. It's a bit scary for me to be this exposed, I have to say. After all, what must all of you think of this? What must all of you think of me? This is a bit like that naked dream where everyone's staring. I think I liked it better when I had the option of waking up and ending the dream. But I expose myself this way for the bigger question: how can I ensure I will be the exact mom I want to be and instill everything I hold dear in my child?
The answer? Dunno. I wish I had it. Believe me if I did, I would have given it to you HERE. I think it's less about an exact answer and more about a journey, and I'll begin it on a road called acceptance. Accepting the kind of mom I am now, doing what I can and having a whole lot of hope for the future. I'm going to step out of my closet of self-doubt and into the big bad world of motherhood — and try to realize that it isn't in fact bad. No one's going to confiscate my motherhood membership card. After all, if I'm feeling this way, I can't possibly be the only one.
Author: Amy
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