Punishment Doesn’t Work
So, I’m cruising down the highway, minding my own business, going around 70 mph in a 55 mph zone. I hear the sirens, look in my rear view mirror, and I realize the highway patrol is not happy with my choice to go a little faster than recommended. The officer pulls me over and I comply with his requests: license, insurance and registration. He proceeds to ask me a very condescending question. “Do you know how fast you were going?†(Of course I do! I have to go that fast to get to my meeting on time!) I say, “Around 65 mph.†“No, actually you were going 71 in a 55 zone.†I’m thinking to myself, “Really? You couldn’t say 70? You had to say 71?†He proceeds to issue me a ticket and warn me of all the dangers of going 71 miles per hour on this highway. He tries to scare me into being “good†and following the rules with a story of a recent fatality on the highway. The story was of a driver going 71 mph. Anyway, he gives me the ticket and says, “I hope you have learned your lesson.†I immediately think, â€Yep, I need to pay more attention to where you guys hide so I can slow down and avoid a ticket!†This officer sparked a thought in my mind… Does punishment work? The ticket does not deter me from ever speeding again. His shaming and attempts to scare me into not speeding has no effect on my choice to speed in the future. In fact, I immediately look for ways to “beat the system†in the future. What if we could come to an understanding? What if we were able to communicate our needs and desires to each other, respectfully, and have it result in collaboration – an understanding of what works for both parties? I’m not exactly how that would look when confronted with an officer after speeding, but we all know that there are times when we explain what’s going on, say an emergency, for example, and officers “get it”. They don’t issue the ticket, but they ask us to make their lives easier by not behaving recklessly. This translates directly to our kids. For me, it feels better to leave out the punishment with kids. Tell me what you need, ask me for what I need, and let’s...
Read MoreHow My Mom Saved My Life
In the late 70’s and even early 80’s bullying was not in the headlines. It was just part of life, a right of passage, a moment to suck it up or stand up for yourself. I was raised deep in the heart of Texas where tiny body size and Barbie doll cuteness, call it cheerleaderabilty, was every girl’s number one goal. When I grew up, obesity just wasn’t all that common in children or adults. So as a very overweight child, the fat girl in school, things were not always so fun. I moved to a new school in 2nd grade. That’s where this story begins. I was the biggest kid in my class and considered somewhat of an Amazon. I was just abnormally large in both height and weight. At least that’s how I felt and perceived myself. And what I was reminded of by my classmates. Daily. One boy caught on to my insecurity and began his torture sessions (bullying) for next 7 years. Everyday, from the moment I got on the bus, throughout class, at lunch, on the bus ride home, it was the same story: “Heather, Heather, not light as a feather†“Hold on everyone the bus is going down! Heather’s getting on.†“You’re just a fat-ass. No one likes you. You will never have anything.†“Fatty fatty 2 by 4, can’t fit through the bathroom door.†“Haven’t you had enough to eat? You could skip lunch everyday and still be fat.†“Go home to the 3 little pigs house, you big fat pig.†(Oh yeah – side note – my mom and dad were both overweight too.) It went on and on and on and on. Then one day, I’d had enough. This boy called me a whale in line. I decided that moment to take matters in my own hands. I threw him against the lockers and started beating him as hard and as long as I could. We found ourselves in the principle’s office. This was back in Texas when you got “swats†for bad behavior. (For those who don’t know this term, a “swat†is a spanking with a large wooden paddle.) Thank God the Dean of the school had a teenage daughter, who just happened to be my nanny. The Dean stood up for me and my tormentor got 5 swats and a call home. I went back to class....
Read MoreMeet Sarah, Founder and CEO
I was chatting with a friend one day at work. It was the usual list of complaints, er, um… observations: “I can’t believe how much time we used to have†and “My son cried today when I left to go to work, and all I want to do is be home with him.†Suddenly I said, “There has to be a better way.†There is no other way to explain that moment, except to call it a “brick-to-the-head†moment. If I had been a cartoon, there would have been a light bulb above my head. Indeed, there has to be a Better Way. I had a new mission in life: To support women in finding their own Better Ways. If my friend and I were going through this, a whole bunch of other women must be going through it too. In fact, I knew that to be the case. I’ve heard people call it “the dark side of the moon†or the “secret no one tells you.†Motherhood in this day and age is hard, and no one wants to admit it. Sure, they complain here and there, or people say we have to learn to “juggle.†Um, that’s about as descriptive as calling a tsunami “wet.†No one ever tells you how hard this is. It’s completely worth it, more than anything I’ve ever done in my life, but if anyone would have ever told me that I would want to give up my career to be with my kids, I would have told that person they were completely insane. Yet, that’s exactly what happened. And having to face this has caused a slight identity crisis for me. Who am I if I’m not on track in my career? Who am I if I’m not out there being politically active and changing the world? And then came the, “Who cares? I just want to be home with with my son.†Now, this would have been great, except that my family relies upon my income. So it started to occur to me that I didn’t have a choice. That realization was incredibly painful. When the smaller love of my life was born, I was an executive. I had it all mapped out. I had always wanted to be a mom more than anything. I could do both, that’s “what women do†today. In fact, before I met my husband...
Read MoreMeet Heather, WiseInside Specialist
From the moment we enter this world we have everything we need inside. We are born wise, kind, compassionate, hopeful, curious, and full of love. You have this wisdom inside you. Our children do too. The challenge is to remember the wisdom, particularly when our child is on the floor of Target kicking and screaming or when they decide to yell “NO!†to every request. We all want to be the best parents we can be. We want to lift our children up and amplify the greatness that we know is in them. But how can you lift your child up when he is rolling on aisle 13 in Target? I’m Heather Criswell, a parenting coach, speaker, and author of “How to Raise A Happy Child (and be happy too)â€. I remind parents of their own greatness and help them see the greatness in their child, especially when it is difficult to see. I have worked with over 30,000 children for the past 25 years and I am a mother to a little boy that has been my greatest teacher. I have learned that children want to be valued, heard, and acknowledged just as much as adults do. And that’s why you are here. Because you know deep inside that you can have the relationship you desire with your child. You know that there is a better way to parenting. My intention is to share how to combine your inner wisdom with strategies that work so that you not only raise a happy child, but you are happy too! If you are hungry for a little more… I was born and raised deep in the heart of Texas, now living in sunny San Diego. I am so blessed to have a husband that has been by my side for 16 years (believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself) and a son that happens to be the brightest light on this planet. I was a fat kid. Bullied. Every. Single. Day. I was reminded on a daily basis that I was unworthy of living on this planet. I surrounded myself with adults and young children. They never made fun of me. I started babysitting at 12 years old, accepted a position as a teacher at a preschool within days of my 16th birthday, became a youth counselor for the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas, and at...
Read MoreTips for Shortening Homework Time
Homework can be a long, arduous task for many students. Sometimes the simple task of sitting down and getting started can be a challenge for many. Staying focused on the task at hand while avoiding distractions‎ is another struggle that many students face. Rather than dragging out the process into the late hours of the night, here are some strategies you can try to make homework time shorter and easier. Here are some quick and easy ideas: 1. ‎Use a planner, and use it well. Many schools use online portals for posting assignments and due dates. However, putting all assignments, projects, and upcoming exam dates into one planner helps students see the big picture. Here’s a strategy to try: while at school, your child should write down each assignment. When he gets home and begins his homework, he should start by estimating how much time he thinks it will take to complete each assignment (and write the ET, or estimated time, for each task). Next, he should order the assignments based on the ones he wants to complete first, second, etc., by writing the appropriate number next to the assignment. Finally, your child can begin tackling the assignments in that order (it is typically better to complete the longer, more challenging ones first). Once each assignment is complete he should write down the AT, or actual time the assignment took to complete. When the assignments are done and put away in the appropriate place to be turned it, he should cross out the assignment or put an X next to it. 2. Power down electronics. While students think they‎ may need their computers or tablets for completing their assignments, with social media, news flashes, text messages, emails, and the like, devices can often be more of a distraction than helpful tools for getting homework done quickly. Encourage your child to power them off or put them in another room, and only use them when absolutely necessary. 3. Get a little exercise! Before beginning any homework, try having your child do some jumping jacks, dance to music, or even do a few push-ups. These types of physical exercises will help increase alertness and ‎focus, and will help students tackle homework in a more efficient manner. While some students are fine starting their work right after school, others benefit from this type of physical activity before beginning their school work. 4....
Read MoreI Had Plenty of Reasons Not To Do It
Let me introduce myself. My name is Ally and I’m an immigrant. I moved to the US about 8 years ago and my mother tongue is not English, (guess what it is… the answer is at the end of this post). Even though my language of birth is different, I decided to write books and become a published author, and my choice was to do all that in English. The decision to do so wasn’t easy for me, and nor was it rational. I had any number of excuses at the ready giving me reasons not to write. In fact, let me be more specific at this point; I actually heard voices (not those kind of voices, don’t worry!) running through my mind. All giving me these kinds of messages: “It’s not your first language, there’s no way you will succeedâ€; “who do you think you are?â€; “why bother trying?†etc. I’m sure that you too, have probably heard those ‘voices’ at least once in your life. Think of them as though someone else has implanted them into your brain (the ‘voice’ could be that of a parent or teacher,) and they are now ‘burned’ onto your hard-disk. These long-held beliefs may be hard to erase, but they’re not impossible. Okay, long story short time: When I eventually managed to listen to my true inner voice, (instead of the other voices which were telling me it was impossible,) it vehemently told me to write a book and publish it on Amazon. And when that happened, I didn’t question it. And my inspiration was sitting right there in front of me – my children. I won’t get into the technical details of what I went through in producing the book, finding an illustrator and editor etc. But I will tell you one thing: It scared the hell out of me. I was doing something that was 100 miles away from my comfort zone, which necessitated me to put my thinking out there, and make myself available for others to judge. Can you imagine anything scarier? What I did is to take a few small steps each and every day. It was easier for me to deal with the fear when it was in small doses. I made a list of things I needed to do: write two pages a day, read the story to my children and ask for their...
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