A Different Back to School List
Back to school is back. Again. I started to think of all the ways to prepare for the new school year, and I quickly realized that the typical checklist was not what we needed to hear this year. I listed all the things that have been said on hundreds, actually thousands of blogs. Sure, I could add my own twist, but I trust that you already know most of these tips and probably implement many of them into your own family routine. Suggestions that go something like this: Organize: clothes, food, supplies, home Plan homework time Do your best to not over schedule Plan your meals Create a family calendar Develop routine for mornings Get proper sleep, for everyone involved Checklists and checklists for your checklists And yes, I agree, all of these will help you. With that being said, I would love to offer a new tip for preparing for back to school: Focus on what our children want the most: To feel heard, acknowledged, validated, and to know that they matter. It all boils down to one thing: Authentic communication. How do we prepare to communicate authentically? Well, the answer recently came to me from a group of high school students enrolled in a child development class. I was asked by a dear friend to come into her class and test out a new game I developed for families focusing on communication and connection between parent and child. It was initially targeted for children 3-12 years old. The opportunity to test the game out with high school students was terrifying for me. Would they think it was stupid? Would they even participate? Would I be transported back to my own high school years and be bullied and ridiculed by these students? I was scared. And I did it anyway. I had a heart to heart talk with the students before I introduced the game. I let them know my own story about my experience in high school, how I was bullied, and made fun of every day, every year. I went on to explain how I created a successful preschool at 21 years old, opened a wellness center at 29 years old, and founded my current company shortly thereafter. I explained how my classmates that made fun of me had not experienced much success in life both personally and professionally. I reminded them of their greatness and...
Read MorePunishment Doesn’t Work
So, I’m cruising down the highway, minding my own business, going around 70 mph in a 55 mph zone. I hear the sirens, look in my rear view mirror, and I realize the highway patrol is not happy with my choice to go a little faster than recommended. The officer pulls me over and I comply with his requests: license, insurance and registration. He proceeds to ask me a very condescending question. “Do you know how fast you were going?†(Of course I do! I have to go that fast to get to my meeting on time!) I say, “Around 65 mph.†“No, actually you were going 71 in a 55 zone.†I’m thinking to myself, “Really? You couldn’t say 70? You had to say 71?†He proceeds to issue me a ticket and warn me of all the dangers of going 71 miles per hour on this highway. He tries to scare me into being “good†and following the rules with a story of a recent fatality on the highway. The story was of a driver going 71 mph. Anyway, he gives me the ticket and says, “I hope you have learned your lesson.†I immediately think, â€Yep, I need to pay more attention to where you guys hide so I can slow down and avoid a ticket!†This officer sparked a thought in my mind… Does punishment work? The ticket does not deter me from ever speeding again. His shaming and attempts to scare me into not speeding has no effect on my choice to speed in the future. In fact, I immediately look for ways to “beat the system†in the future. What if we could come to an understanding? What if we were able to communicate our needs and desires to each other, respectfully, and have it result in collaboration – an understanding of what works for both parties? I’m not exactly how that would look when confronted with an officer after speeding, but we all know that there are times when we explain what’s going on, say an emergency, for example, and officers “get it”. They don’t issue the ticket, but they ask us to make their lives easier by not behaving recklessly. This translates directly to our kids. For me, it feels better to leave out the punishment with kids. Tell me what you need, ask me for what I need, and let’s...
Read MoreHow My Mom Saved My Life
In the late 70’s and even early 80’s bullying was not in the headlines. It was just part of life, a right of passage, a moment to suck it up or stand up for yourself. I was raised deep in the heart of Texas where tiny body size and Barbie doll cuteness, call it cheerleaderabilty, was every girl’s number one goal. When I grew up, obesity just wasn’t all that common in children or adults. So as a very overweight child, the fat girl in school, things were not always so fun. I moved to a new school in 2nd grade. That’s where this story begins. I was the biggest kid in my class and considered somewhat of an Amazon. I was just abnormally large in both height and weight. At least that’s how I felt and perceived myself. And what I was reminded of by my classmates. Daily. One boy caught on to my insecurity and began his torture sessions (bullying) for next 7 years. Everyday, from the moment I got on the bus, throughout class, at lunch, on the bus ride home, it was the same story: “Heather, Heather, not light as a feather†“Hold on everyone the bus is going down! Heather’s getting on.†“You’re just a fat-ass. No one likes you. You will never have anything.†“Fatty fatty 2 by 4, can’t fit through the bathroom door.†“Haven’t you had enough to eat? You could skip lunch everyday and still be fat.†“Go home to the 3 little pigs house, you big fat pig.†(Oh yeah – side note – my mom and dad were both overweight too.) It went on and on and on and on. Then one day, I’d had enough. This boy called me a whale in line. I decided that moment to take matters in my own hands. I threw him against the lockers and started beating him as hard and as long as I could. We found ourselves in the principle’s office. This was back in Texas when you got “swats†for bad behavior. (For those who don’t know this term, a “swat†is a spanking with a large wooden paddle.) Thank God the Dean of the school had a teenage daughter, who just happened to be my nanny. The Dean stood up for me and my tormentor got 5 swats and a call home. I went back to class....
Read MoreTips for Shortening Homework Time
Homework can be a long, arduous task for many students. Sometimes the simple task of sitting down and getting started can be a challenge for many. Staying focused on the task at hand while avoiding distractions‎ is another struggle that many students face. Rather than dragging out the process into the late hours of the night, here are some strategies you can try to make homework time shorter and easier. Here are some quick and easy ideas: 1. ‎Use a planner, and use it well. Many schools use online portals for posting assignments and due dates. However, putting all assignments, projects, and upcoming exam dates into one planner helps students see the big picture. Here’s a strategy to try: while at school, your child should write down each assignment. When he gets home and begins his homework, he should start by estimating how much time he thinks it will take to complete each assignment (and write the ET, or estimated time, for each task). Next, he should order the assignments based on the ones he wants to complete first, second, etc., by writing the appropriate number next to the assignment. Finally, your child can begin tackling the assignments in that order (it is typically better to complete the longer, more challenging ones first). Once each assignment is complete he should write down the AT, or actual time the assignment took to complete. When the assignments are done and put away in the appropriate place to be turned it, he should cross out the assignment or put an X next to it. 2. Power down electronics. While students think they‎ may need their computers or tablets for completing their assignments, with social media, news flashes, text messages, emails, and the like, devices can often be more of a distraction than helpful tools for getting homework done quickly. Encourage your child to power them off or put them in another room, and only use them when absolutely necessary. 3. Get a little exercise! Before beginning any homework, try having your child do some jumping jacks, dance to music, or even do a few push-ups. These types of physical exercises will help increase alertness and ‎focus, and will help students tackle homework in a more efficient manner. While some students are fine starting their work right after school, others benefit from this type of physical activity before beginning their school work. 4....
Read MoreHe’s 8. He’s Already Asking.
Walking home from school yesterday, my son turns to me and says, “So, when can I get a cell phone, Mom?” He’s 8. How on earth… What the…Why? Who? What?! He went on to talk about the kids in the fourth grade (fourth grade!) who are texting each other in the hallways at school. He talked about how important it is to be able to talk to his friends. Let them know if he’ll be late for class. I turned my head to look at him at this point, and I swear I felt like the exorcist when her head started spinning. What on earth was he talking about? It’s my job to let his teacher know if he’s late, not his. And certainly not to his friend. Did he turn 16 and I hadn’t noticed? I had to know this was coming, why was I so surprised? Well, like most parents, I was surprised because this growing-up-and-being-influenced-by-others thing is never supposed to happen to our kids, right? He actually pointed out several kids who were walking home around us, with their heads bowed down and their thumbs flailing wildly over these little black rectangles in their hands. It was a beautiful fall day. Crisp, clean air. Gorgeous blue sky, some leaves starting to turn. And there they were…heads bowed down, missing all of it. And of course the reason I was so uncomfortable is that this experience was making me evaluate my own behavior (how rude). It made me wonder how many times I had missed beautiful things so my own thumbs could flail over my own little black rectangle. I turned to him and said, “Wait a minute. Can’t you just talk to them face-to-face? You remember that? Like, talking, talking? You know, like we’re doing now?” He looked up at me and shrugged his shoulders. Gave me a sideways smile and said, “Yeah. I guess.” I didn’t talk to him too much about the studies being done lately about the lack of empathy in children. About the brutal texts that start to fly back and forth, and the confidence, courage and happiness that have been squashed because of them. I’m not sure how I could ever explain the suicides that have followed. When kids are only eleven years old. I certainly didn’t talk to him about online porn, and the horrifying studies about the findings that...
Read MoreBinding Feet and Breaking Spirits
I recently finished reading a book called Snow Flower and The Secret Fan by Susan Lee. If you haven’t read it, I recommend it. It’s not a “feel good†book, but it’s an incredible story that will have you flipping pages, and maybe even shedding a tear or two. The story takes place in China, many years ago, and is told in the first person, starting with the narrator as a six-year-old girl. The book travels with her through her foot-binding, a contract with her best friend, Snow Flower, and their adventures together through marriage, childbirth, pain, death, loss, war, friendship, misunderstanding and ultimately, forgiveness. I found myself tearing up through the last dozen pages of this book – and while yes, I’m a crier, I admit it – this book hit a very tender spot for me, and it hasn’t left me. Reading about these sweet young girls, and the pain of their foot binding, broke my heart. Not because of the foot binding itself, but because of what it represents. These young girls broke the bones in their feet, so they could be “worthy†of marrying into a good family. The pain was excruciating, lasted for years, and some even died during the process. They were told over and over again that they were “worthless daughtersâ€, good for nothing but marrying into a good family with the hopes of bearing sons for the family into which they had married. Those smaller feet meant they were worth something, and without them, they would be social outcasts. It got me thinking about the breaking we do to our own young girls today. But the breaking that happens today is internal. I know that none of us, as parents, set out to hurt our daughters. In fact, so many of us work so hard to do just the opposite. We tell our girls they can be, and do, anything. The recent rise of the heroines in Frozen, the launch of Goldiblox and the hit show Doc McStuffins are testaments to that. And yet, even with these advances, I think we know that our girls are still receiving the message, “You’re not OK as you are.†A walk down any drug store magazine aisle will confirm that. A girl must not age, she has to look great naked, know how to please a man in bed, tweeze her eyebrows, have zero...
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