Five Ways to Make Your Divorce Easier
Divorce presents one of the most stressful situations that we endure and some attorneys will promise to make it easy. The truth is that even the best attorney has limited ability to do that. You, on the other hand, have the power to significantly improve your opportunities for a divorce that is easier on you and your children, shorter in duration and less expensive. 1. Parent first; litigate second. There are two components to custody agreements: legal custody and physical custody. Legal custody refers to making major decisions about a child’s medical care, education, religious upbringing and any other issue that parents specifically designate as having such significance that either one parent makes the decision, or they somehow make the decision jointly. If both parents have the ability to participate constructively in such decisions, authority to make those decisions is usually shared or divided between them. Physical custody concerns the child’s schedule with each parent, including weekly parenting time, holidays and vacations. Keep control of the outcome of your custody arrangement by committing yourself to reaching an agreement instead of asking any Judge to make the decision for you. Variations on custody arrangements are innumerable, and best decided by the parents themselves without abdicating that authority to any court. Even the most experienced and well-intentioned Judge will lack the level of detailed knowledge about your child that you have. Your understanding of your child’s needs enables you to create a better solution than any stranger can, even if you have to compromise with your co-parent to get there. Similarly, when consulting with your attorney, keep control of that conversation and prioritize your child’s needs over any litigation strategy. Identify your convictions about what parenting arrangement will promote your child’s best interests. Then, ask your attorney to strategize around those needs; never blindly follow a litigation strategy instead of your knowledge of what is best for your child. 2. Declare your priorities. If you don’t ask for what you want, you can’t expect to get it as part of a divorce settlement or from any court. Start with a wide view of the issues that need to be resolved in your case: custody and parenting time, division of property, division of debts, protecting assets that are not marital, spousal support, child support, funding the litigation. Literally make a list, a chart or an outline of your priorities. Then, talk...
Read MoreYour Relationship to Money…
At a recent presentation for the Bergen County Professional Women’s Network, psychotherapist Loren Gelberg-Goff, LCSW, posed an interesting question: If money was a person, how would you describe your relationship? Is it a friendly relationship, or one marked with tension and anxiety? The concept arises constantly in family law litigation, concerning alimony, child support, equitable distribution of assets and debts. Every family has its own method of managing assets, debts, expenses. When spouses divorce, it frequently comes to light that they had dramatically different ideas about money that were not properly addressed during the marriage. Money might have been the issue causing strife, even if there was enough to go around. Discussions about dividing assets and debts, and making appropriate arrangements for the support of the whole family, forces husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, to consider how they have spent and saved their money, and how they think they should be entitled to spend or save it in the future. That’s where we come in. Educating every client about his/her economic rights and responsibilities in a family law case takes time and careful attention to the financial details surrounding that client. When one party owns his/her own business, the details matter a great deal because it is not always simple to determine the value of that business, or the full economic benefit that the family unit obtained from the business income. Laws differ from state to state but in New Jersey (where this author practices family law), all assets and liabilities acquired during the marriage can be divided as part of the divorce process. There are some limited exceptions, including gifts received by one party from someone other than the spouse. Businesses owned or operated during the marriage, however, are joint assets regardless of which spouse is actually named as an owner or worked at the business. This frequently baffles the business owner, whether she is a professional, an entrepreneur, a franchise owner or self-employed in any capacity. We often hear an objection that the business does not have value, because “without me†it is “worthless.†Business owners often produce an income tax return as proof of his/her income, usually without realizing that in Family Court we look far beyond the first page declaration of “adjusted gross income†when the taxpayer is self-employed. What this tells us about the speaker’s own relationship with money, is that we as...
Read MoreFlouting Tradition: A Single Woman’s Road To Motherhood
When I saw the two storks plodding awkwardly through the marsh grass, I knew it was a good sign. Compounded with a prediction by my friend Lillianna’s psychic that my IVF would be a success, I was beginning to feel optimistic about the costly procedure I was embarking upon. I was 39 years-old. I had spent what seemed like a fortune on fertility treatments which included seven intrauterine inseminations and a miscarriage. Like many women my age who wanted children, I was on the fertility roller coaster trying desperately to become a mother…but unlike most other women, I was getting on the roller coaster ride without a partner. Having a baby on your own. It’s what happens when all the frogs you’ve kissed have warts and you begin to accept the fact that maybe you’re not going to get married in this decade, or even in this lifetime, and while you’ve given up on tradition, you refuse to give up on becoming a mother because being a mother is what you’ve always wanted, and your life without children seems meaningless. That was me. I was a party girl with a barren refrigerator, a closet full of impractical shoes and a convertible. My life was empty. Making the decision to become a single mother didn’t come without a lot of soul searching and the support of my family. It was a decision that was years in the making. “If I turn 35 and am still single, I’ll do it on my own,” I said. But 35 came and soon disappeared into 36. At 37, I consulted an OB-Gyn who ordered blood work and discovered that my antibodies for German measles had expired. A trip to the health department for a measles-mumps-rubella immunization gave me a three-month reprieve from moving forward because you can’t get pregnant for three months after you’re inoculated. And in that three months, I lost my nerve again. Then, when I was 38, my father, who was getting a divorce, moved in with me. “Jenny, you need to have a baby. When everything else falls apart, you still have your children,” he said. As fate would have it, the day after he said this was my one-year anniversary with the OB-Gyn. “Do you still want to have a baby,” she asked. “Yes,” I said. “You need to make some decisions quickly,” she said. “Time is not on...
Read MoreHe Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Baby
Last week I had the backbreaking task of carrying a 60-plus pound boy up and down numerous stairs in a subway station. E and I had gone to a minor league baseball game with a bunch of friends and we started home way past his bedtime (mine too, actually). As soon as we got on the train, he fell fast asleep. So when we got to our stop, I gave a friend my bag, and lifted up my sleeping child. He was complete deadweight and I kept having to stop and adjust him, as well as catch my breath. It was my hardest workout of the week and left me completely exhausted. I loved every minute of it. You see, E is seven now (almost eight, if you ask him) and growing more independent by the day. It‘s amazing to see him growing into his own person – taking books off the shelf to read, finding Harry Potter previews on the computer, and (loudly) voicing his own opinions about scabs and scars, baseball, and the world in general. But it saddens me a bit too. Where is that boy who would finish dinner and climb into my lap while I finished mine? Gone, baby, gone. I know that growing up is hard to do…I just never imagined it would be harder on me. I remember walking E to kindergarten and there was a “big boy” walking to school by himself. E’s head swiveled to follow the kid as he passed us. He looked at me terrified, “Where’s that boy’s mommy?” he whispered. “Well,” I explained, “at a certain age some kids walk to school by themselves.” His eyes got even wider. “I never want to walk to school by myself,” he said as he hand clutched mine. “Will you always walk me to school?” “Of course I will, baby,” I reassured him. Then I skipped all the way home. Three days into second grade this year E looked at me and asked, “So when am I going to be able to walk to school by myself?” I desperately wanted to say, “When you’re in college I have no problem with you walking to class alone…as long as you call me when you get there.” I bit my tongue and told him that he is not allowed (school rules, not mine so I’m off the hook) until third grade. That...
Read MoreMy One And Only
I had previously written a piece about how E was asking (begging, really) for a younger sibling. Although my dating life is definitely picking up, I do not expect to be pregnant anytime soon. As a matter of fact, I’m not even sure that I want to be. And that in itself is quite a change from my mindset a year or so ago. Even after my marriage fell apart, I desperately wanted another baby. Craved one, actually. In the fall of 2004, while I was still a married woman, I became pregnant with a second child. I had a miscarriage at about ten weeks. It devastated me beyond all belief, but I thought that I would recover after I got pregnant again. That never happened, and I became separated in September 2006. That was well over three and a half years ago, and E remains an only child. Growing up, I always said that I wanted an only child. Of course, I probably made that statement every time my little sister stole my Holly Hobby doll. As I got older and that skinny, pigtailed girl became one of my best friends, I realized that I wanted more than one kid running around the house. I know that not all siblings have the same close relationship that my sister and I have. (She drove to my apartment with candy when I was freaking out about the breakup of my marriage… and even offered to brush my teeth and put me to bed. It’s true — she rocks.) However, I also know that I can count on her to pick out the perfect birthday gift for my mom or to talk candidly about family members’ health issues.< I worry that E will have to do all those things alone. He has no one else to lean on when I get older. Or if I'm pushing him off the deep end. (My sister and I often call each other to declare, "Your mother is driving me crazy!") I realize that it's pretty early for me to worry about my senior years; however, that seems like a big responsibility for one person... especially since I picture him as a perpetual seven-year-old boy. Aside from the concern that my kid will be alone in dealing with the ways of the world (I am, after all, a Jewish mother), there are other reasons that...
Read MoreWaiting For Mr. Write
As much as I enjoy updating my Facebook status, texting and the digital age, I must admit that I really miss the good old written word. Not necessarily in book form – my library card gets plenty of action (at least one of us does, right?). I’m old enough that when I first forayed into the dating world, there was no email – just phone calls and good old-fashioned snail mail. I had a fair number of long-distance relationships that relied completely on the USPS…sometimes even overseas. I really enjoyed letter-writing (still do, as a matter of fact), and I remember the leap of my heart every time correspondence from a paramour arrived in my mailbox. I had a boyfriend who went to college in New Jersey when I was up near Boston. He was an English major and wrote me poetry. I dated a guy who moved from Boston to New York and sent me cards on a regular basis. My post-college love and I spent a whole summer away from each other – he doing theatre in New Hampshire, and me working in Barcelona. We had three phone calls the whole summer and communicated almost entirely via flimsy airmail paper. My ex-husband and I spent a summer apart and wrote each other every single day. More than a few years ago my mother decided to clean out the attic (anyone want an extra bed-in-a-bag?) and she gave me bags containing all these letters. I was still married at the time so I stuck the bags in the back of my closet. One day when my ex was at work and my son was napping, I sat on the floor of my bedroom and read each and every letter. My entire love life was more or less documented in writing. It was really quite amazing. And thrilling, too. I had forgotten the details of these past relationships and it was quite a charge to remember that there were men (boys, too) who thought charming, romantic – and sometimes rather lascivious – thoughts about me. After I read the letters (and resisted the urge to Google the ghosts of love life past), I threw them all away. I thought, “I’m married and I have letters that lead up to this point in my life. No need to save these all.” Someone please beat me with a stick right now....
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