5 Ways To Feel Better About Divorce
Divorce presents one of the most stressful situations that we endure and some attorneys will promise to make it easy. The truth is that even the best attorney has limited ability to do that. You, on the other hand, have the power to significantly improve your opportunities for a divorce that is easier on you and your children, shorter in duration and less expensive. Learn A Lot: What’s at stake? Not all money is created equal. Often, one spouse manages the money or knows more about the overall financial situation. Usually, that represents a reasonable division of responsibilities within the marriage and does not signify any real problem with financial management (but you can read a little more about this in my blog post on adultery from April 7, 2014). If that was not your role in the relationship, take two steps. First, stop worrying about that history and do not waste your energy blaming your spouse for doing what needed to be done with your joint finances. Second, figure out what you need to learn about your finances and, do not stop here, learn it. You need to know the value of real estate, details your mortgage obligations, where you and your spouse have bank accounts and credit accounts, where retirement assets are invested and in what type of retirement plan, what insurance you have and if it has any cash value. If there are funds set aside for your children, review my prior blog post about kids’ money (June 18, 2014). Educate yourself first, then the next parts of the process will be much easier. Prioritize: If you don’t ask for what you want, you can’t expect to get it as part of a divorce settlement or from any court. Start with a wide view of the issues that need to be resolved in your case: custody and parenting time, division of property, division of debts, protecting assets that are not marital, spousal support, child support, funding the litigation. Make a list, a chart or an outline of your priorities. Be totally honest with yourself. Then, talk to your attorney about the way that each issue could potentially be resolved and be sure to understand the best case and the worst case scenarios. Listen carefully for the bad news because that is the hardest to absorb and yet necessary to enable you to make an informed decision...
Read MoreBeing Kind Matters
Tuesday morning as I was shoveling our driveway after the non-blizzard-blizzard of 2015, a small, but meaningful, gesture reminded me about the importance of kindness. It was about 5:30 in the morning, still dark, and with the wind-chill, it felt like 6 degrees. Or at least that’s what my iPhone told me as I bundled up to head out into the cold. I’d had a warm cup of coffee, sent out my morning e-mail, and I knew I had to head out there. The snowfall was much (much!) less than predicted, so I knew my husband would be heading into work. One thing I’ve learned about shoveling while living on the East Coast is that it’s important to shovel before the car dives over the snow. Once that happens, the snow gets so stuck to the pavement that it will eventually ice over and cause mayhem for a good few weeks. It’s annoying, but it keeps me motivated to get out there as quickly as possible to get that white fluff out of the way. So, armed with coffee, hat, gloves, boots and a coat, I headed out into the dark to start the process. Don’t get me wrong. I like being out there in the quiet. It’s great exercise, it’s peaceful, and well, it’s hard work. And you know what the hardest part of the driveway is? Shoveling that 10 feet in between the end of the driveway and shoveled pavement of the street. Because what inevitably happens, is the snowplows drive by and create a lovely wall of snow at the end of the driveway that the car either has to drive over, through, or yours truly has to shovel. Those of you that get to enjoy snow in the winter know what I’m taking about. It’s a drag. That snow is heavy with dirt and salt, and it’s hard to pick up. At about 6:10, I’d cleaned off half of the driveway, including those lovely 10 feet at the end. As I’m heaving shovelful after shovelful, I see the flashing yellow lights, and I hear the rumbling of the snow plow as it heads up my street. I look over, and sure enough….a new wall of snow, right where I’d just shoveled. I took a deep breath, and kept going on with my work. I knew I’d just have to go back and to that part...
Read MoreFive Ways to Make Your Divorce Easier
Divorce presents one of the most stressful situations that we endure and some attorneys will promise to make it easy. The truth is that even the best attorney has limited ability to do that. You, on the other hand, have the power to significantly improve your opportunities for a divorce that is easier on you and your children, shorter in duration and less expensive. 1. Parent first; litigate second. There are two components to custody agreements: legal custody and physical custody. Legal custody refers to making major decisions about a child’s medical care, education, religious upbringing and any other issue that parents specifically designate as having such significance that either one parent makes the decision, or they somehow make the decision jointly. If both parents have the ability to participate constructively in such decisions, authority to make those decisions is usually shared or divided between them. Physical custody concerns the child’s schedule with each parent, including weekly parenting time, holidays and vacations. Keep control of the outcome of your custody arrangement by committing yourself to reaching an agreement instead of asking any Judge to make the decision for you. Variations on custody arrangements are innumerable, and best decided by the parents themselves without abdicating that authority to any court. Even the most experienced and well-intentioned Judge will lack the level of detailed knowledge about your child that you have. Your understanding of your child’s needs enables you to create a better solution than any stranger can, even if you have to compromise with your co-parent to get there. Similarly, when consulting with your attorney, keep control of that conversation and prioritize your child’s needs over any litigation strategy. Identify your convictions about what parenting arrangement will promote your child’s best interests. Then, ask your attorney to strategize around those needs; never blindly follow a litigation strategy instead of your knowledge of what is best for your child. 2. Declare your priorities. If you don’t ask for what you want, you can’t expect to get it as part of a divorce settlement or from any court. Start with a wide view of the issues that need to be resolved in your case: custody and parenting time, division of property, division of debts, protecting assets that are not marital, spousal support, child support, funding the litigation. Literally make a list, a chart or an outline of your priorities. Then, talk...
Read MoreMy Mornings…
Most of you know that I get up at 4:30 in the morning…I know, I know. Most people just stare at me with big eyes when I say that. I’ve always loved the mornings and been an early riser. When I was young, I remember waiting (rather impatiently) for the rest of the family to wake up so I would have people to play with. At twelve and thirteen, I would wake up before school to go jogging, or read. As a woman climbing the ranks of the corporate ladder, the mornings became my solitude. My time to run, be alone, and plan the day. As a new mother, I found myself longing for the days when the early mornings were my own. I grew to love those early mornings with my kids. Well, for the most part. *smile* Now that the kids are a little bit older and they sleep in, I use the time for me again. When I was working Marianne Williamson several years ago, she told me she meditates first thing in the morning. She won’t read her e-mail, look at the news or talk to anyone until she’s done that. I remember just looking at her. I’m sure I was giving her the same big-eyed stare that I now get from others… So she responded with, “Why would I ever let the world have its way with me before I’ve declared how it’s going to go?” And from that day on, I’ve tried to get up early and set the day in motion the way I like to. With a warm cup of coffee in my hands, a 20 minute meditation and a notebook that I’ve been creating from scratch for two years now. When people started asking me how I get so much done, or how I got on The Today Show for Better Way to Italy in just nine months, I realized I should probably start sharing what I do! I use the mornings to positively create my day. It’s the time before I hear, “Mommy, mommy!” or “Sarah! Sarah!” “Ring, ring, buzz, buzz…” etc. In the silent moments before dawn, I can arm myself against the onslaught of coming demands. When I take the time to create my day before the world has had any input, I get to face my day on my own terms. This makes a big difference...
Read MoreDoes Hot Water Come Out of Your Tap?
Many of you know I’m pretty serious about my daily gratitude lists. I find this practice to be important and grounding. And there’s a reason for this. I know it works. And well, it is Thanksgiving week, so why not spread the gratitude. *smile* When I was growing up, we were poor. Not just a little bit poor. Seriously poor. We would have half a loaf of bread and some honey in the cupboard, and that was it. Regularly. I remember one night when my mom called a representative from our church because she was worried about how to feed us. I thought he was there to just say hi. My older brother filled me in on the details of their conversation several months later. But I just didn’t realize just how little we had. In looking back, I believe that one of the reasons I didn’t notice was because my mother always seemed so grateful for everything. She would always focus on what we did have. “Isn’t it amazing that we can turn on the tap and have hot water?” “I am so happy that I can make you such beautiful clothes.” “We are so blessed that someone wrote hymns for us to sing at church. Can you imagine life without songs?” Seriously. She spoke like that. Almost always. And as I grew up and learned more about our circumstances, I’ve experienced my fair share of anger and resentment. How could someone let kids live like that? Why didn’t she get a job? And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that those moments still come and go, but I know that she did the best she was capable of in the moment. But even more than that, I know that her attitude of gratitude shaped a great deal of how I view the world. When I was little, I thought we had a lot. She was constantly focusing on what we did have, not pining for what we didn’t have. And honestly, if I compare what we had to what many have around the world, she was right. While we had a little bit of food, it wasn’t spoiled and it was safe to eat. I never went without clothes, and she took great care to always do my hair, and make matching clothes for me and my dolls. (That picture up there? That’s me on Christmas...
Read MoreRachel Mednick: Founder of Lucy & Leo
I had the great pleasure of sitting down with Rachel Mednick, founder of Lucy and Leo, organic clothes for kids. Not only is she a delight as a person, she’s smart, focused and the clothes she creates for kids are beautiful. Rachel started her company “accidentally” when she gave her new niece, Lucy, a onesie five years ago. Turns out that onesie started a whole line of clothes, all made in America with organic fabric. Yep. Organic fabric. Check out the video below to learn how Rachel picks her fabric, her advice for people just starting out and how she deals with shiny ball syndrome. You can check out Rachel’s clothes by heading over to...
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