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I Feel Lost, Where Did I Go?

If I where a vegetable, I’d like to imagine myself as an apple. Peel away my many layers of responsibility, duty and general things to do until you hit my solid, healthy, vital core inside. That’s the idea.  Now here’s my fear — peeling away all those layers to reveal. Drum role please…ta-da! Nothing. Nada. Nothing at the core, nothing at the center of the everyday madness. I’m gone, and now there is just emptiness where I used to be. Actually, it’s worse than that, because I have a distant and foggy memory of being solid as a rock once, of being founded on something. I was a healthy, well-adjusted, socially competent person, I swear! I knew who I was, what I wanted and where I was going. Now? Um, not so much.  So, it makes me take stock for just a moment. The lyrics, “This is not my beautiful house; This is not my beautiful wife…HOW DID I GET HERE?” come to mind (thank you Talking Heads). Well, I got here the same way I imagine many of us do: meeting the person I love most in the world and wanting to build a family with him. That was the goal, that was the path. These were solid, well-thought out decisions I was making and don’t regret. What I didn’t expect was, well, everything else. Everything else I need to do to maintain this dream, and stay on this path. I sometimes feel adrift on a sea of things to accomplish, trying to find my way through the fog and praying for land or a place to plant myself down. And this isn’t about loving my husband or my child or my friends, that’s a given. I just can’t find me to save my life.  So, I’ve decided I need saving. And while it’s definitely easier to sit back and wonder who will be doing it for me, I might as well start facing the truth now and save time (I’m all about saving time these days). My hero is a woman — and she is me.  I’ve decided to become my own savior. I’m dusting off my journal and favorite pen and going in. And I’ll write the truth about who I am, I don’t care how long or how many pages it takes. I need to find me again because I used to be pretty interesting! And...

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Back in Another Life

I received an e-mail from a college friend I hadn’t heard from in ten years. He had scanned a bunch of photographs from back in the day and sent them to me. And BAM! There I was, partying like it was 1999 because it was — well — about 1999. I had a huge smile plastered on my face (partly because I was plastered) but mostly because I was truly living in the moment.  I was immediately transported back to that time and place — 100% present, enjoying my experience to the fullest degree and focusing on the “now”.  My entire world was based on getting to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and that has definitely changed since then. I am reminded of this practically every minute of everyday. I understand those carefree years are only one phase in life. Do I miss some of that freedom? Of course I do. But what really struck me about those photos was my amazing ability to be fully present and absorb everything I was experiencing — every second of it.  I tend not to have that focus these days, and I want it back. I want to feel fully present with my husband and not think about when bills are due. I want to be completely focused on my daughter and not wonder how much organic milk we have left. I want to work on living in the now right now with the people who mean the most to me. Because really, what could be more important than that.  Too often I am so easily distracted by small and insignificant things — empty rooms with lights on, dirty dishes, crumbs on the floor…you get the idea!  You would think all of these trivial events would add up to something big and substantial, considering how much attention they get and time they take. But the reality is, it adds up to nothing. It’s completely meaningless when compared to everything that truly matters. Instead of counting the things I have left to do, I want to count the kisses, hugs and smiles I give.  So, as I strive to manifest that sentiment in my life each and every day, I look forward to taking another photograph that represents this phase of my life. It will be of family and reflect the love in our eyes in that moment, and nothing else. Author: Amy Follow us on...

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